Wanted!
Last night I was kicking back drooling over Josh Duhmel on Las Vegas and I noticed the craziest thing. A character on the show had a guy with him that was like his personal "commentator". The guy informed everyone of the reasons for the Big Man's actions and the thoughts around it. He set the scene for everything the guy did.
HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT!?!!
So, I am going to hire someone to do that for me. I need someone who can be "on call" and who presents themself in a professional, yet hip and casual manner. No stuffies need apply, you never know what I may ask you to do. You have to able to take my thoughts and actions and present them in a way that will make people think I am brilliant, witty, kind and all-around super. A degree is preferred, but not necessary with the proper work history.
I may require you, at times, to perform the odd, yet necessary, task. This may include, but is not limited to: asking people in the theater to please refrain from talking, clarifying my order at the drive thru window, telling the driver that cut in front of me to fuck off, telling that guy at the bar that won't leave me alone that really, I am NOT interested in him, etc.
If you feel that you would be a good fit for the position, please submit your resume with salary history. I can't pay a high salary, but I will give you some holidays off and promise that you will have fun on the job. This spot will go fast, so get those resumes in!
Mel Mega is an Equal Opportunity Employer
posted by MomMega: mothersmilkblog.com @ 10:01 PM
12 Comments:
For once, I regret that my training is limited to Personal Assassin positions, and I have no experience in P.R.
I can kill people real good, though, so if you ever need anything [wink, hint, holds up an M-16 and a sign that says "Call me!" as he nods and smiles], you know who to talk to.
Ok, I'll do it. I'm a great liar. I have been known to tell people to fuck off on occasion. I have a degree (purchased). I can do things. I can order food. I'll even stand in the corner and say something funny every time you slip me a quarter...
I am afraid I cannot apply for the position as I think I would be way to self-involved to be any good to you. Hmm.. would you ask your assistant to kill anyone? :)
Let Ian do it, I'm sure he'd be great. And you'd better not let anyone else kill for you except Ben, because, um, he has training and might take it personally. Heh.
I would apply but unfortunately I have a really bad potty mouth. I could definitely fit the bill for the movie theater and driving. I do talk quite a bit and don't have an off button.
What happens if the commentor has a different opinion than that of the commentee? I don't think I would be able to keep my mouth shut. Then you would have to fire me. I've never been fired.:(
I watched that show last season, but haven't had a chance to see it this one. I need to take some time and watch apparently.
i wanna do it! actually, i just want a new job. i don't care what it is...
but, in actuality, i would suck ass at this job. i'd resent you, probably.
it's best if you hire ian, methinks.
i, too, have a potty mouth that just won't quit sometimes. i've probably dropped the f-bomb at least 1000 times since yesterday. (well, i have a reason for that)
i'd make a great commentator but not a great employee. i'll probably get sick of your orders and try to stuff you in a closet. i guess i'll have to pass.
Don't look at me, I'm nobody's bitch!
Ben - Oh good lord, where do I even begin?!!? I have a looong list, I'll fax it over. I've been trying to get someone to do my "dirty" work for years!
Ian - Congratulations! Apparently you are the only one who truly desires the job. And, judging from your work that I have seen, I do believe that you will be an excellent fit. I am a little worried about your commute, however.
Grace and Nina - I have no problem with the potty mouth, in fact I prefer it. Then no one will notice how bad my mouth is!
Cat - Yes, I do not want to get on Ben's bad list!
Little Eyes- Stuff me in a closet, huh? Hee. Maybe Ben will hire you!
CL - That's why I love you!
I can't do it as a regular gig, but on occasion, when you need someone to think your actions come from a very deep and ancient place, let me know. I can drop important yet obscure references (up to 6,000 years old) to justify/explain your actions. I bill hourly.
Mega, I can't commentate but I can provide your background music. We will have to decide on your "them" song that will play most of the time but then, I fill follow you around with my keyboard and play music appropriate for the situation.
How cool would that be?
better than reality tv.
Well, I'm not much of a people person myself, but with a little work we can build you a little soundboard programmed with catchy phrases and a voice emulator when you want something pithy AND original.
Then Walmart will steal it, reverse engineer it, and mass produce it in either China or India (or both) and make millions.
Oh well, another great idea lost to the corporate jungle. Oh well, back to cleaning up my desk.
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