Aggressions and Apologies
Dear Sun:
I know that you hate me, but I’m not sure why. Can we make peace? I know that you refuse to come out when I am off work for the day, but I am hoping that we can get past that. Please come out on Sunday and Monday. I need to fix my tan lines.
***
Dear Hair:
I am so sorry that you have split ends and roots. I will try to repair the damage soon. Please don’t hate me.
***
Dear Chris Martin:
I love, love, love you for the song “Fix You” on your new album. I almost cry every time I hear it. Does that make me gay?
***
Dear Cousin:
Sometimes when you are sad, a little friendly lap dance will cheer you up.
***
Dear McDonalds:
Thank you very much for Sausage McMuffins. They are warm and delicious and I love them so very much.
***
Dear Butt and Thighs:
Please pay no attention to the previous letter. I am only eating fruit and salad and drinking water in an effort to make you smooth and muscular. Now please help me out and GET TONED!! (I’m sorry I yelled. I love you, I promise)
***
Dear Honey:
Thank you for the **** last night. It was just what I needed. You are the BEST and I don’t deserve you. But I’ll take you anyway!!
***
Dear Red Jetta Driver:
You are so lucky that you do not have to go to work. I am very jealous. However, this does not mean that it is okay for you to drive 40 MPH in the goddammn fast lane. Get it? Good. Now get the hell outta my way!
***
Dear City of Garden Grove:
Why do you hate me? What did I do to offend you? Whatever it is, I’m sorry! Now please stop making me hit every single fucking red light on my way to work!! And please stop doing construction on every single fucking street that I drive down. I just want to get to work and back home in less than 4 hours. Is that too much to ask?
***
Dear PA:
I’m sorry that you are fat and have a large ass. I’m sorry that you have a horrible personality and that no one likes you. I’m sorry that you feel that you are so much better than the rest of us because you have a super-sized Louis Vuitton. I’m sorry that when you wear white pants, we can all see your cellulite. Shit, I’m sorry that you wear white pants at all. I’m sorry that you blame everybody else for your failure and take no responsibility. I’m sorry that when it comes down to it, you are just lazy and insecure. But most of all, I’m sorry that I know you.
***
Dear Powers-That-Be:
Thank you, thank you, thank you…for putting David Boreanaz back on TV. I love you.
posted by MomMega: mothersmilkblog.com @ 10:54 AM
17 Comments:
PA... my initials are gb... okay, phew. i'm safe :P
and chris martin says, yes. that makes you gay. :P
i'm with you on the powers-that-be and david yummypants! yay! if only the show wasn't going to be canceled right away, because you know it will. maybe he should just split his time between living with you and living with me? we can share custody.
i'm more of hotcakes and sausage girl, myself. and i'm sorry about wearing white and making you ill... i know that PA was really CH, right? that was for me? sniffle. i'll not show you any more wedding photos then...
GB: You are safe, no worries...and damn it all to hell, Chris Martin!! I'm not gay!! (but my boyfriend thinks I'm bi-sexual...what does that mean?)
Cat: David Yummypants!! That shall be his new name! I know, they cancel all the good shit and we are forced to watch shit like Nanny 911...THERE IS NO BEEF ON THAT SHOW FOR ME TO DROOL OVER!! Share him we will! Do you want Summers or Xmas with him?
And NO!! PA isn't you!! You have a great personality. I wasn't kidding when I said no one liked this person!
Amen for Sausage McMuffins!
i'll take david yummypants over christmas. i don't do well in heat. i'd be sick all the time and he'll think i'm boring. plus i'm cuter the more clothes i wear. and i can wear baggy sweatshirts so my huge boobs aren't too distracting and then grace starts making fun of me again.... i'd be so horribly insecure i'd have to hide in the closet and i'd forget all about yummypants!
dude, cat! i wasn't making fun of you! i was in AWE! i didn't know they made them that big :P
sorry! sorry! but seriously! i'm not teasing! they're lovely :)
and mel - it's okay. steve accuses me of that same thing. jerks!
(btw, there ain't nuthin' wrong with it, neither!!! uhm.. not... that... i ... am. uhm...)
Cat: Okay, Xmas for you, Summers for me...I'll make Grace get in her Wicked Weasel and take Yummypants to the beach. He will get all hot and bothered, Grace will go home to her Hubby and I will take full advantage. And if you are going into the closet, you might as well take Yummypants with you!
And all you decent-sized and big boobed women just shut the hell up!!
*sadly glances down at the lack of mounds beneath her sweater*
Try not to take it personally; the sun has a friggin' attitude problem with everybody, which is why, when I become undisputed ruler of the universe, the sun will be blocked out entirely and we'll all just use really huge lamps.
Let's work on splitting up Chris/Gwynneth.
Mel, you crack me up! I can't wait for new posts from you.
I missed something, what is up with david yummypants? Is he doing a new show? Or, dare I dream it, is Angel coming back on?
I know one thing for sure, tomorrow morning, right after morning Starbuck's, I will have to get one of those yummy Sausage McMuffins. I love those.
PA- You are such a kind soul.
did i mention that larry and i will be hangin' out with mr. yummy at comic-con on friday? we'll say hi for you...maybe :P
Ben: That sounds like a plan! I'll take one of those lamps with the three different brightness levels. Oh! And a pink bulb.
Jack: Works for me! You take Chris, I'll take Gwynnie...
YB: YES!! He is going to be on a new show called Bones, it will be on Fox. He plays an FBI Agent...Mmmmm...Yummypants in suits!! YESH! Oh, and I am so glad that you and Larry appreciate the warm delishiness of Sausage McMuffins!
Steve: I'll give you $10 if you can get Larry to smooch him for me!
i'll give you $20 canadian if you bring him up to canada for me. :)
mmmmmmmmmmSausage.
Mel-Too funny! I know who PA is. I just can not figure out what PA stands for! I need to get my blog as exciting as yours! I am still too new :(
How do I post damned pictures?
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