Saturday, January 08, 2005

The Truth Is...

...all this time that my "marriage" has been in shambles is a result of something else. Yes, it's true. I am with Brad Pitt. Phew! It feels so good to finally be able to say it out loud. I have had to hold my tongue for the past seven months because he needed to work out the financial details with Jen. But I am so relieved that it is out in the open for all to know. I just want to sing from the rooftops "I love Brad and he loves me!!"

So I know you are wondering how a regular gal like me managed to nab such a famous hottie. No, it wasn't my cute butt or my long eyelashes (hi Grace!). It was mostly due to my wonderful sense of humor. You should see Brad laugh when I tell a joke. His face gets all red and he does this weird shaking thing. If I tell him a humorous anecdote, it is all over! He will just laugh and laugh for hours and stroke my head and tell me how smart and funny I am. Plus I like the fact that he can be silly with me. When we are driving around town and the Carpenters come on the radio, he will roll down the window, stick his head out and belt out "Bless the Beast and the Children" with me. He's crazy!

It's not all fun and games, though. He is very sweet, especially considering how famous and easily recognized he is. He could get anything that he wants for free. And although he argues, he will sometimes let me pick up the tab!

I don't want him to think I am taking advantage of him. So when the split was formally announced, he offered to put me up in a condo (how Pretty Woman, huh?). But I said no. I told him that I wanted a little independence and I did not want to be just another piece of arm candy on the red carpet. So I will move into my little one-bedroom in Long Beach and pay my own rent, thank you. Imagine! Me living in a fancy three-bedroom condo with Brad!

Anyway, I apologize for my absence, you can imagine how hectic it has been with all the calls from the press and the paparazzi following us wherever we go. But it should calm down soon. And then Brad and I can go on building our relationship. Oh, and don't worry about Jen. Her and I have talked and we are good. We are doing lunch at the Ivy next week.

So, see? All my drama from the past year is gone! Poof! And now I am friends with Jennifer Aniston and loved by Brad Pitt! Don't you wish you were me?

15 Comments:

Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

I am you.

6:27 PM  
Blogger Yankeebob said...

Well Mel, that explains everything! Congratulations! You and Brad make a fine couple.

Can you get me an autograph? That would be so cool. Actually, can I have yours too, since I'll be seeing you in all the tabloids soon. Then I can brag to everybody about how I know you.

6:44 PM  
Blogger aus blog said...

Your trippin

6:50 PM  
Blogger cat said...

oh, mel. how i love you. :)

but i can't believe how you've broken up a marriage that i had always thought was happy and based in love. my faith in love has diminished and i fear for the state of my relationship once i get married. i can't believe you helped shatter my faith in humanity.

*shakes head*

and i shall make a mental note *not* to use crest white strips before my wedding. bad omens there.

7:06 PM  
Blogger SJ said...

Well, Mel - I guess if you are going to get together with someone, you could do a lot worse than The Pitt. I mean any man who can turn a Greek Hero into a Surfer Dude without even trying has gotta be worth a try. I hope you guys will be very happy together...

8:42 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

Bullshit! I'm calling shenanigans. How can you possibly be with Brad when he's with me? What, you think you can just walk in, give a little ass wiggle and walk out with my man?!? You try any skank moves you want. At the end of the day, Bradley's coming home to me. You're just temporary, bitch, I'm forever!

You hear me? Fuh-eh-vuh!

3:42 AM  
Blogger SJ said...

Hey, Mel - Jennifer's just been on the phone to me, bitching about how you stole Brad from her. I tried to tell her Brad was only human, you know? Still, watch yourself when you have lunch with her next...

9:05 PM  
Blogger grace said...

mike will fight you to the DEATH for brad... mel, watch your back!

by the way, i still hate you for those eyelashes. :P

8:42 AM  
Blogger Benjamin said...

Agh! Tyler Durden is real!

*falls out of chair*

5:13 PM  
Blogger SJ said...

Another day and no new post from Mel... (sigh)... I'm going to have to get myself a blow up Mel to see me through until she comes back regularly...

8:48 PM  
Blogger SJ said...

Um...ok, I'm aware of how that last comment might have sounded, but well...um...oh, *you* know what I meant...!

8:49 PM  
Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

When did they start making the Mel Mega Real Doll?

9:20 PM  
Blogger Yankeebob said...

Hey Ian, where do I get one of those dolls? Just for the novelty of it, of course.

6:08 AM  
Blogger cat said...

i want a Mel Mega Real Doll too. then shawn and i can both enjoy her at the same time!

wait.. that sounds a lot worse than i meant it. i should learn to not type comments when i have a fever!

6:55 AM  
Blogger JK said...

Are you sure the reson you hadn't posted in quite some time is because you were getting your head examined. haha

10:25 AM  

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