Saturday, March 12, 2005


Well, who knew that Keanu reads my Blog. And that he is so connected to people in high places. Apparently Keanu did not enjoy my review of his acting in Constantine, so he tried to have me taken out. Really. I barely survived...

So there I am, happily driving to work on a lovely Thursday morning. Listening to Kevin and Bean, drinking my coffee and mother f-ing all the stupid drivers. Ahhh bliss! From out of nowhere comes a large black SUV with tinted windows. The car pulls up right next to me and almost sideswipes me! I grab the wheel and swerve a little and yell out "Whoa!" because it totally freaked me out! I look up towards the driver, ready to give him my bitchiest look and cuss him out like I'm an Osbourne...but it never gets that far.

The SUV swerves towards me again, this time brushing the side of my car. I am in the far left lane with nowhere to go except into on coming traffic! I jam my foot down on the gas as hard as I can, hoping that I can get past the SUV. Right. What the hell was I thinking!??! The SUV comes at me again and I make a quick left into a residential neighborhood. Where I am met with a dead end.

The SUV quickly pulls up behind me and blocks me in. I don’t know what to do. I am looking around the neighborhood, hoping to see kids on their way to school, people walking their dogs, anything! But conveniently, no one seems to be around. I start to dig in my purse to find my cell phone. As I am frantically searching, someone yanks my car door open and grabs my collar. I am face to face with the largest man I have ever seen in my life and I am pretty sure he is going to eat me.

Instead, he tells me to undo my seat belt and get out of the car. I do as he asks because he is so ginormous and I don’t want to die. I am thinking in my head what I could have possibly done to deserve this. I know I am not always the nicest person, but for the most part, I obey all the rules and laws that have been set out for me by this great country. I pay my taxes, I haven’t killed anyone (though not for lack of trying). What could I have done to warrant this kind of treatment??

The super-human that pulled me out of my car tells me that I need to get into his car immediately. I tell him that I can’t leave my car, I am on my way to work. If I don’t show up, people will worry (actually they would probably celebrate!). He tells me that at this point, I have no choice and not to worry about my car or my job. It will all be taken care of. Oh god, Satan has finally come after me!

Super-human won’t answer any of my questions. He just tells me sit down and be quiet. We drive for what seems like 40 days, but is probably more like 40 minutes. After all the coffee and excitement I’ve had, I have to pee really bad. I mean REALLY bad. I ask SH if he can pull over and let me pee. He refuses. I tell him that I am going to ruin his leather if he doesn’t stop. I beg, I plead, I moan. He finally gives in and pulls into a gas station, where he proceeds to come into the bathroom with me. I ask him if he is going to wipe my ass when I am done and he just tells me that he can’t let me out of his sight. Geesh!

The car finally pulls up to a scary warehouse and SH gets out. The warehouse is completely dark, with the exception of a light coming from a separate room in the corner. He tells me to go into the room. I open the door expecting to see the flaming pits of hell on the other side. But no, just a desk. And a vending machine that appears to only sell Mountain Dew. Hmmm. I didn’t think anyone even drank Mountain Dew anymore. I’m dying of thirst so I dig in my pockets for a few quarters. Fuck, just lint and a dime. Figures.

Since there are no chairs in the room, I sit on the desk. And wait. And wait and wait some more. After about an hour, I hear a little tap on the door. The knob turns and someone comes in. I turn my head and can’t believe that Keanu has just walked into the room. Phew! I was really scared for a minute!

“We need to talk.”

“I’m sorry, Keanu, do I know you?”

“No, but I know you.”

“Okaaaaaay…that’s just creepy.”

“You said some very hurtful things about my acting.”

“I say hurtful things about a lot of actors. Why, just the other day I was remarking how gross and puffy Kim Delaney looks. And that Jessica Alba and Brittany Murphy are just sad. So really, that doesn’t make you special.”

“Yes, but Mel, I look up to you. I read your Blog every day. When you have a funny story, I laugh. When you hurt, I cry. Dude, we are like connected on some deeper level.”

“Did you just call me ‘Dude’? Don’t do that.”

“Whoa! Sorry! But the point is, your opinion matters to me. And when you tell your readers, who are, like, way super smart, that I am a bad actor, it just, like, really makes me hurt inside.”

“Keanu, honey, it’s just a Blog. You really should focus your energy on something else. Like acting lessons!”

“I want you to take it back. I want you to write a post telling your readers that you were wrong, that I am a good actor. I want you to tell them that I won’t always be “Ted”. That I made you cry in A Walk on the Clouds.”

“Keanu, I just can’t do it…I’m sorry.”

“No, I think you will! And you will stay here until you do!”

With that, he dramatically storms out. Well, as dramatically as Keanu can. So, I sat in that room for almost two weeks. Every day Keanu would come by and try to convince me to take back what I said about his acting. And every day, I said I couldn’t do it. He refused to give me food or even quarters to buy Mountain Dew. I almost withered away to nothing. I now weigh 65 pounds! I had to sleep on top of that stupid little desk by the green light of the Mountain Dew machine.

SH finally took sympathy on me, and would try to slip snacks to me when he could. Ultimately, he helped me plan my escape. We waited until a night that Dogstar had a reunion “gig” and we knew that Keanu wouldn’t come by. Then SH put me in his pocket and drove me to the bus station. He bought me a ticket and made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for the ride home. I finally got back to my apartment late last night. It was so great to take a shower and sleep in an actual bed.

I still refuse to take back what I said about Keanu. And I am sure that he is out there looking for me right now. I have no choice but to live out the rest of my days as a “fugitive”. Constantly looking over my shoulder. Waiting for the day that Keanu will try to sneak back up on me. Until then, I will try to update my Blog as often as possible. But from here on out, I will no longer mention Keanu. I guess in a small little way, he did win. Hopefully this will serve as a warning to anyone else that may choose to dis Keanu on their Blog. Trust me, it’s not worth it.