Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Random Ramblings for a Tuesday Afternoon...

Wolverine exists and he works out at my gym. Seriously. No, really. He is a little shorter than I usually like them, but I am strangely attracted to his intense glare, gigantor mutton chops and bulging biceps. Hmmm…at least I have something to look at while sweating to death.

Speaking of the gym, I observed something very interesting last night. It seems that there are a large number of “girls” that go to the gym for the sole purpose of prancing around in as little clothes as possible. They have cute hair and make-up and matching little shorts and bra tops. And they never sweat. They never sweat because they don’t work out! I saw two such women yesterday! GG #1 (Gym Groupie) struts in and proceeds to talk to one of the employees for a good 10 minutes. She walks over to the elliptical machine and “works out” for about 10 minutes before patting her face and walking OUT OF THE GYM! Here’s the kicker though: she is prancing around in her cute little outfit, right? As she steps on the machine in front of me, I notice that not only is she wearing granny panties, but they are all bunched up and hanging out the top of her pants!! HA! I almost fell off my machine I was laughing soooo hard! GG#2 didn’t attempt to pretend that she was there to work out. I observed her for a good 20 minutes. All she did was move to different areas of the gym every few minutes and STAND THERE! Pretending to contemplate which machine she should use next. I was a little sad for her.

Do men honestly believe that if they leave at least one square on the toilet paper roll, they are not responsible for changing the roll? Please explain this to me.

Also, I am wondering if anyone out there has ever been in, or known anyone in, a pageant. Our hotel was filled with these “teeny-queenies” last weekend and I just don’t get it. It brings up so many questions of self-esteem, self-worth, self-tanner. These little girls had more makeup on at one time than I use in an entire year! It was freaking me out.

If you are on the phone with me and maybe we are arguing, please don’t hang up on me. It makes me angry. You thought I was bitchy before? Oh Baby, you just don’t know…

Monday, August 30, 2004

I Think My Ears Are Bleeding...

...no, in fact, I am pretty sure of it. I wonder if I will be able to rid myself of the vibrating that has seem to taken over my entire brain? Yes, there is definitely blood oozing out of my ears dripping onto my new cashmere sweater (I am such a snob, I just had to write that so everyone would know I had a new cashmere sweater)...no, but really...blood. Oozing. Brain and eyeballs vibrating. 25 minutes. I hope I can make it....

One More Thing...

Does anyone else have to answer someone else's line? Can someone please explain to me why, when people call into a business, they feel the need to tell me their entire history before finally getting to the GD point?!?! If you have a question on your bill, ask for accounting! I don't really care if little Suzy "had a great time at Disneyland, but was afraid of Mickey Mouse and the weather was perfect, but why was I charged for parking?" A simple, "Yes, I had a question on my bill..." will do! Oh and yes, you are a wannabe-vendor? Guess what? Not knowing what you are going to say when someone answers the phone? Not a good impression. If you are reading off a script and it is obvious? Again, not good. And mispronouncing someone's name? Always a way to get your call put straight through! Oh! But here is my favorite! When making an internal call to someone else in the hotel, always act surprised when they pick up the phone! And be flustered and fumble your words together! Then I will totally take you seriously. And if the printer jams? Don't worry about it! Eventually someone else will try to print something and when it doesn't print, they will probably clear the jam for you...when they come in on Monday morning to a plethora of messages saying that the printer is broken (apparently I am also working for Xerox, although I think I am being ripped off because I haven't received a check)!!! One last, unrelated grumble: if you are going to point something out to me on my computer...PLEASE touch my screen! That way I can always remember you were here by the glaring, greasy fingerprint you left behind...BEFORE I BURIED YOU IN THE MOJAVE!!

My Teeth Are Vibrating...

AND IT'S NOT PLEASANT!!! As if I weren't already the CRABBIEST person in this entire hotel, they decide that they need to use the jackhammer above my head all damn day! So, what does this mean? This means that in addition to the printer/copy machine from hell, the non-stop traffic, the loud PBX radios, and the moronic questions, I now have a non-stop jackhammer rattling my teeth. GOOD LORD! Why does everyone hate me!?!?!? Seriously, the rattling has spread to my eyeballs.

Friday, August 27, 2004

On The Edge....

Seriously, Folks, this could get ugly. I have been pushed to the brink and have officially reached full irritable status. There is a Code Red going out to all my fellow employees: If you would like to leave today with all limbs intact, then stay away from my desk! Let me first explain that my desk is in a high traffic area. I realize that people have to walk by and often times congregate near here while waiting for other people. However, this does not mean that they can stand around and socialize, or have their radios on full blast while standing here, or even talk on the phone at the top of their lungs. It is bad enough that I have a very busy printer/copy machine next to my desk that is loud. Very. Loud. It is bad enough that I have PBX next to me and I can hear them screaming over the radios to people. It is bad enough that since I am in a high traffic area, people feel the need to stop at my desk and whine about what miserable days they are having and who pissed them off today. I might as well change my name to Lucy and hang a "The Doctor is In" sign on my desk! Geesh! I feel better having vented, now please excuse me while I down half a bottle of Pamprin.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

What I like...

The smell of new books and the bookstore
A tasty nap, where I wake up and have no idea where I am
Kisses behind the ear, both on the giving and receiving end
A spicy Bloody Mary
Ice cold Champagne (and Mimosas)
A perfectly cooked Filet Mignon with garlic mashed potatoes
Friends that will make you laugh when you are crying and make you cry when you are laughing
Laughing so hard you are sore the next day
A nice Merlot or Chianti
New babies: their smell, their chubby cheeks, their little toes and ears and their potbellies
Jeans that fit perfect and don’t have to be hemmed (although, I think this may be an Urban Legend…does such a pair of jeans exist?)
The smell of rain
A perfect beach day
My family in all their insanity (both sides!)
History and hearing it from the people who lived through it
First kisses
Talking all night about nonsense
Movie lines (quoting, not standing in them. Hee!)
Eating out
Amstel Light
Tall, dark-haired, young boys (hee!)
Meeting new people
The Colorado Avalanche (a good hockey game in general)
Chocolate covered strawberries
I could go on and on and on….

New Topic!!

I have so much to say in regards to movies, television, etc. that I have decided to start an additional Blog for media topics only (I am soooo whoring myself out to the Blog!). Soooo, if you feel so inclined, please mosy on over to Media Whore to check out my new Blog. Of course, stay tuned here for the running commentary on the tragic comedy that is my life. Love you!

Friday, August 20, 2004

Someone Feels My Pain!

My friend Kate is screaming on the phone with me, telling me about her infestation at one time while living in the shore...

4 OF THEM!!! She cried and stayed in a motel. She fully understands the full size and seriousness of the bug....I love Kate!

How much meat can one person eat?

I mean really...7 boxes in the freezer all full of varying cuts of meat? Did we recently obtain a lion that I don't know about? Let me start from the beginning...

There I am...fast asleep...ahhh blissful sleep...I am jolted awake by the sound of heavy articles being thrown around the kitchen. What the...? My room is right next to the kitchen and there is not technically a door there, so it is that much louder.

I yell out to P "Can you make a little more noise? It's not like I'm trying to sleep in here!"

"Well, it's going to be noisy for a while because I bought all this meat and I need to put it in the freezer."

Oh, well okay, why didn't you say so in the first place. You're just putting meat in the freezer...in the middle of the night. Whaaaaat???

"I'm throwing everything out, it's all old."

Duuuuude! I just went to the store! Just because you haven't opened the freezer in three years doesn't mean I haven't! "What are you throwing out!?!? It better not be my chicken, my filet mignon, my hamburger, my Rocky Road or my Drumsticks!"

"Oh, you mean the hamburger with freezer burn?"

"EVERYTHING HAS FREEZER BURN BECAUSE THAT FRIDGE IS FROM 1952!! GEESH!! And you better take that trash bag out tonight because it will all melt overnight and form a big puddle and flood the neighbors downstairs!"

Now that I know what's going on, I'll just go back to sleep....damn! Does he have to make that much noise? How long does it take to put some meat in the freezer? I'M NEVER GONNA GET BACK TO SLEEP!! I need an Adivan!

In the morning, I carefully open the freezer....and ammet with the site of so much meat that I am convinced a small herd of cows had to die to sit in my freezer and collect freezer burn.

Anyone need a roommate?

See, It's Just Not That Simple...

So not to beat a dead horse, but I had a conversation with my friend, Weenie, about the bug:

W: "Well are you scared to kill the bug?? Just squish it with a shoe or something!"

MM: "Dude! You have no concept of how BIG the bug is! I tried to kill it the
second time I saw it, when it was in the bathroom. I threw a shoe on top of it. Didn't even flinch! Just looked at me, yelled 'HA!' and walked away! So it is hopeless. I can't kill it, it is way too big. I can't even imagine the mess it would make. There would be guts for days!"

W: "Yeah that's true, I am sure it would make a huge stain if you squished
it! It's so funny how you and the bug talk to each other!!! hahahaha You freak!"

MM: " 'huge stain' does not even begin to describe it! Do you remember how
the Stay-Puft Marshmellow Man exploded at the end of Ghostbusters?Yeah, small little mess compared to this bug! I know, I am a freak. But I fully embrace my freakdom and geekdom."

Thursday, August 19, 2004

All Out War

The Bug first made it’s presence known to me one evening when P had left his keys at work. I was happily sound asleep when I was jolted awake by my phone vibrating. P is on the phone telling me that he is standing in the hallway and can I please get up and open the door because he forgot his keys. Whatever. I stumble out of bed, half asleep. As I am walking through the living room, I see that a piece of a shoe is moving. The hell? I open my eyes a tiny bit more and notice giant antennae. Long, twitchy antennae. Ew. I run to open the door and flip on a light. There it is. A humongous, oversized American Roach, also known in the LBC as a Waterbug (because really, who wants to say the word roach, much less admit to having one in your house and risking the condescending stares of friends and strangers who think you must be dirty if there is a roach in your house). The Bug slowly turns its head towards P and I, giving us a look that clearly says he is quite annoyed with us for cutting into his living room time. I point it out to P who, thanks to too many cocktails, makes a feeble attempt at swatting The Bug with a shoe. The Bug runs for the safety beneath the couch, laughing over his shoulder at us as he goes. I look at P with a “well, are you gonna move the couch and get that Mother F-er or what?” look. He turns off the light and crashes into bed. I sleep with one eye open.

Several weeks later. It is a Tuesday night. I had spent an enjoyable evening with several friends from work. I am tired, but in a good mood because I am proud of myself for coming home early to get to bed at a decent time. I walk into the bathroom, over the bath mat and sit on the toilet. The moment I sit, I see a familiar twitchiness out of the corner of my eye. The Bug is back. Chilling in my bathroom, lounging on the bath mat. We slowly turn our heads towards each other and make eye contact. I scream and jump up. He screams back. I make a Superman leap over him and crash into the hallway. He stays exactly where he is. Oh, he is pissing me off royally at this point! Who the hell does he think he is? I run to P’s closet and grab a sturdy looking shoe. I am shaking, but I carefully position myself and slam the shoe down as hard as I can on top of him. Now, before I go any further I would like to point out that this guy is not your average roach that you may see in the kitchen or the bathroom. Nope, this guy is at least 2 ½ inches long, not including the twitching antennae. All together, we’re talking almost four inches long. Anyway, The Bug does not dart out from beneath the shoe, so I think I am safe. I start to feel warm and fuzzy. I just killed a gigantor bug. By myself. No man needed. I rule! I am woman, hear me roar! I…wait…what was that? Did I just see a twitch? Oh no you don’t Buddy. I quickly run back to P’s closet and grab the mate of the sturdy shoe. I slam that one on top of the other. The Bug knocks both shoes over, looks at me like “So? Is that all you’ve got?” and trots away, shaking his head and laughing at me. With the knowledge that I would not be able to conquer this monstrosity on my own, I quickly shut the bathroom door and shoved a towel under the door in hopes of trapping The Bug in there until P could get home. Apparently I did such a good job, that when P finally strolled in, TB was NOWHERE to be found! The hell? I swear, it was just here!

About a week later, I come home exhausted. All I can think about is getting in my bed...I start my ritual, pull the comforter back, fluff the pillows, stand at the end of my bed to fluff the comforter...what the hell is poking into my leg? I look down....the bug is sitting ON MY LEG!! He looks up at me all "What the fuck are you doing messing with my bed?" The girliness in me takes over and I scream so high-pitched and so loud I am sure that Mariah Carey's evil soul has taken possession of my body! I am jumping on the bed, swatting at The Bug, but trying not to touch it (mental images of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom are running through my head). Finally I leap from the bed, run down the hall, through the living room and out the door. Just in case. Of what, I'm not sure, I only know it was necessary to get that far away. When my breathing has returned to normal and I realize that I am in the stairway in my underwear, I creep back inside. I slowly peek my head around the corner of the room, just in time to see TB jump down from the bed and disappear under the dresser. I look longingly at my bed and know in my heart that I will never be able to sleep in it again.

A couple of weeks later, I was once again beside myself with pride at the fact that I was going to have an early night. About 9:00 I open my closet door to get my pants for the next day and guess what I see...THE MOTHER F-ING BUG!! He was trying on a pair of my pants, asked me to pick a top for him...Seriously, just sitting there, chillin' on some pants, not a care in the world. I slam the door shut and run out of the room. When P finally saunters in, I inform him of the latest sighting and ask him to please remove my clothes from the closet. Of course, when he opens the door, not an antennae to be seen! Anywhere! Why won't it just show itself to P and let him kill it?!?! WHY, GOD, WHY???? UGH! HATE THE BUG!