Driver's Ed - A Refresher Course

UGH! Holy Hectic Week, Batman! Hee hee...I have kinda had writers block. Kinda. But then I went on a tangent yesterday because something REALLY pissed me off.

Now, I would like to start by saying that I am not Miss Obey-all-traffic-laws-all-the-time. I have my issues with speed, I can admit it. However, I do try to obey most of the rules most of the time. And I think I am the only one out there. Everyone else is driving all crazy and outta control. Running stop signs, speeding through crosswalks, etc. It makes me insane!!

For instance, when I leave my workplace for the day, I get on the 22 Freeway. The on-ramp is split into two lanes. The carpool lane is supposed to be for cars of two people or more and they obviously do not have to stop at the 'meter' light. I can not tell you how many times a week I sit patiently waiting for that light to go green while a plethora of single drivers speed past me in the carpool lane. Now, I usually end up passing them anyway, but it makes me crazy! Do they feel like they are somehow beating the system by not following the rules? Does it really get them to their destination that much quicker? I highly doubt it since I see them a few minutes later sitting in the same traffic I am in!

And while we are discussing being in a hurry, let's talk about stop signs. From the American Heritage Dictionary:

Stop: to halt the motion or progress of

You will notice that nowhere in this definition does it say anything about slowing down enough to see if anyone is coming. It does not say pause, it does not say roll. To halt the motion. No more moving.

This phenomenon is especially aggrivating to me at four-way stops. It's like the person knows that everyone else has to stop, so why should they? But what if I were as big of an a-hole as they are and chose to not stop, too? Oh, I'm sorry, I guess I missed that sticker on your license plate that gives you the right to not stop. My bad.

The worse offenders of this, however, have got to be the moms. I drive past an elementary school every day. There are two four-way stops. One has a crossing guard and the other doesn't. The intersection without the guard has got to be one of the most dangerous intersections in the LBC! Kids are riding their bikes and their scooters across the street...and psycho moms running late for yoga are tearing through the stop sign in their Volvo full of kids! I am not kidding. I see it every day. I fear for the children who have to walk to school.

And is everyone out there aware of the turn signal? Did they stop making cars with the turn signal? Not a day goes by, not one day, where I don't want to strangle someone for lack of a turn signal. Are we so lazy nowadays that the extra effort to flick our right hand and let someone know you're turning is just too much? Apparently so.

If you are on the freeway and you choose to enter the "fast" lane...GO FAST! If cars are passing you on the right (and honking and giving you the finger and cutting you off) it means you are not going fast enough. And you should get your 50-MPH-driving ass over. Now.

And one more thing. Just because you drive a fancier car than me does not give you any special driving priveleges (this means you, frizzy-head bitch that drives the hideous yellow 2-door Mercedes and drives home on the 22 West every day! Hate you!). We are all on the same roads, obeying the same laws (ideally), trying to get home. Let's all work together. For your own safety. From me.

Anniversary

So today is my anniversary. Hmmm...how funny is that? P is taking his mom out to dinner for her birthday, which was two days ago. Gee, I hope they have a great time. I guess I will go to the gym and do some laundry and clean up the house a little. I must be the luckiest girl in the entire world. Can you say "over it"???

I Should Wear a Helmet...

...when I drink. GAH! Does anyone else wake up in the morning after a big night of drinking and take stock of the injuries they sustained the night before? Here are mine:

1. My legs and back are sore. Did I dance? I don't think so. I don't remember dancing. Was I wrestling? Did I climb some trees? Did I get into a fight? I remember nothing of the sort, so why the hell am I sore!??!

2. I have a gigantor scratch above my knee going up my leg. Hmmm...I guess I need to cut my nails. Or it was from the branches of the tree I apparently climbed.

3. I count three new bruises on my legs. Let's not even go there.

4. I have a bruise on my jaw. On my jaw, people!! I don't remember getting hit...I don't remember passing out and hitting my face on anything. I have NO IDEA what would give me a bruise on my jaw. Just talking about it makes it hurt. WAAA!

Also, if you are going to drink excessively with people you haven't seen in ten years, be sure to actually eat the salad, chicken and potatoes that they serve you. Have the cheesecake, too! Because when you wake up in the morning and it feels like stakes are being driven into your forehead and you are two seconds away from the dry heaves, you will want to kick your own ass for not eating anything except for cheese and crackers three hours before the party.

How come after ten years, the girls mostly look the same, if not better, and the guys all look 'puffy'? And I noticed that most of the girls left their Significant Others at home, but most of the guys brought theirs. Hmmm...very interesting, it's like their trophy. Anyway, I will try to post pictures. I don't even know what I took pictures of and am kinda afraid to look.

On an unrelated note, Casino was an okay movie, but the soundtrack KICKS ASS!

The Cool Factor

We had a very intense conversation at lunch today. It was a melding of the minds, genius against genius, debates to shun all other debates. The topic?

What made Fonzie so cool?

Seriously. As far as I can tell, he was kind of a loser. I mean, he lived above the Cunningham's garage. He was at least 10 years older than all of his friends (who were still in high school!). He dated high school girls. And he was short and not exceptionally good looking.

Now, I don't know about you, but when I was in high school, we had one word to describe older guys that continued to hang out with the high school kids and try to date the girls: Creepy.

So he was the only one on the show with a leather jacket (at least until Chachi popped up, but even then, what made Chachi cool?). Yes, he could hit the jukebox with his fist and get the music going. Anything else? C'mon, what do you got for me? I am outta ideas.

I think the only thing that made him cool, was that he was the coolest out of that whole group. I mean, there isn't much competition from Richie, Ralph and Potsie (Does anyone know where the nickname "Potsie" came from? I know his real name was Waren, but I can't figure out where the nickname came from)!!

So, I suppose that Fonzie was only cool as a result of his environment. Do you think that if Fonzie would have wandered around 90210, he would've been accepted? Heck no! First of all the creepy "no-really-I'm-young-enough-to-be-in-high-school-despite-my-receeding-hairline" role was already taken by Dylan McKay. And had Fonzie ever tried to approach Kelly or Brenda, they would have cried "pervert" faster than you could say "teen crisis center".

What if Fonzie tried to befriend the gang from Weemawee High School (Square Pegs)? Do you think Jennifer DeNuccio would give Fonzie the time of day? I don't even think Muffy or Patty would think he was cool!

Could you imagine Fonzie hanging out at The Max? Joining in the dance contests with Jessie and Lisa. Hanging out at Zack's place, making fun of Screech. Ew. Screech.

The answer is no! He just wasn't that cool! I don't get it! Am I totally off base here, or has it been a conspiracy all this time? You know, everyone agrees that he's not that cool, but rather than face the ridicule and shame of your peers, you keep it to yourself. Fonzie is giving me a headache. What do you all think?

Clarification

So Beyond Elsewhere was kind enough to mention my Blog in her Blog. Thanks! She also mentioned that there was confusion about the title of my Blog, Incestuous Amplification. Cindy-Lou concured. Hee. I love that word.

Anywhoo, I am a word geek. I love words and phrases and lingo. I subscribe to Word Spy's Word of the Day. One day, the word/phrase was Incestuous Amplification.

incestuous amplification n. The reinforcement of set beliefs among like-minded people, leading to miscalculations and errors in judgment.

"In a nutshell: Like-minded people, talking only with one another, usually end up believing a more extreme version of what they thought before they started to talk.—Cass R. Sunstein, "The Power of Dissent," Los Angeles Times, September 17, 2003"

So as you can see, it is like a smarter, more modern version of mob mentality. For some reason, I am obssessed with mob mentality. It is so fascinating to me to see people work each other up into a frenzy. I love to see it! So, incestuous amplification became my new favorite concept. Hence, the tagline of my Blog: "Mob mentality at it's smartest."

It has nothing to do with incest at all, you pervys!! Hee hee...I realize that I just wrote a post about how wonderful my brother is...ew. Gross. Pervy.

Brother

My brother's name is Brother. It's not really, but that's what I call him, that's what my family calls him and that's what my friends call him, so it is his name. He cracks me up, he is seriously one of the funniest people I know. Brother and I can sit and have burgers and beers and talk and have a great time.

To me, one of the most special things about Brother, is that no matter what, him and I share the same history. He is the only person who has gone through most of the same experiences growing up as I have. He knows my parents quirks, he understands the endless inside jokes, he knows the sadness that I have had.

One of the funniest things I have ever seen was on New Years Eve two years ago. Brother had had a lot to drink. A lot. It was a crazy night. We had a party at our house, but Brother had gone to a couple of bars with our friends. At the first bar, he got into a fight (he was fine, it was more like a tussle). At the second bar, a guy committed suicide outside. Like I said, crazy night. Brother and our friends came back to our house. Our friends were leaving, but were crashing at another friend's house down the street. Brother had to stay at our place because he couldn't drive and no one was driving him home. He kept insisting that he was going home. He was going to walk. We live a good 15-20 minutes (driving) apart. There was no way he was going to walk. I kept trying to put him to bed in the spare bedroom, but he was being stubborn and kept getting up. I figured that I would hide his jacket and scarf so that he couldn't leave. I was standing in the kitchen picking up trash when he walks in. He says he is leaving and out of the corner of my eye, I see he is wearing a coat. I am thinking "how the hell did he find that?!?!" when I look up. He is wearing one of my jackets. It is so small, he can't move his arms. The sleeves are barely past his elbows. He can't zip it up.

I was in the fetal position, I was laughing so hard. I told him he couldn't leave because he was wearing my jacket. He says "I am not!", throws the jacket down, stomps off and passes out. I could've died!

Brother is awesome because he chooses to support me, no matter what I decide, but he doesn't want to get involved. I wish more people could be like that. I once tried to talk about what was going on in my relationship. He pledged his support, but said that he chooses to "concentrate on a brother/sister relationship." Some people might think that is harsh, but to me, it was perfect. Everyone wants to tell me what to do and it was nice to hear from someone who didn't.

I know that I am lucky. A lot of people don't have the kind of brother I have. Granted, he is not perfect, but he always cheers me up.

On a day like today, having a burger and a beer with Brother was just what I needed.

THANK YOU BROTHER!

WTF Email of the Day

This came from an email from a client:

"Well, after a few Martinez' on Thursday night with my husband Friday I should be fine."

So this line brings up many questions:

Are her and her husband cannibals? Do they prefer the taste of Martinez to the taste of say, Smith or Garcia?

Are they having the "Martinez" on Thursday night or Friday night? (yes, I realize she meant "Martinis")

I am very confused. Especially since this email came from a "Director of Education"

WTF?

Bitchy That Way

Hello, my name is Mel, and I am a bitch. Yup. That's right. I am. The sad thing is, I really don't think that's true. I am friendly and outgoing. I like to meet new people and make new friends. But because I am up front and honest and don't feel the need to "kiss ass" to everyone, I am perceived that way. I guess I am a little selfish/self-centered at times. But who isn't? I know in high school I was either very well liked or very much hated. I was the same way back then, I guess. I always gave people the benefit of the doubt, but if you pissed me off, then forget it. Out come the horns.

Anywhoo, I kind of thought that I had grown out of it a little, but decided maybe I hadn't after a breakfast brunch I attended this weekend. It was a handful of my usual friends. I haven't hung out with them in a while so I was happy to see everyone. My friend whose birthday we were celebrating had also invited two other girls that she was close to in high school, but that I wasn't really friends with. In fact, one of them I disliked. A lot.

It just so happened that I was the last to arrive (I suffer from CLS - Chronically Late Syndrome). The only empty seat was at the opposite end of the B-day girl and her two friends (and next to my best friend). Now I haven't seen the other two girls in over ten years. And to be honest, I didn't care. I really wasn't interested in what was going on in their lives or what had happened in the past ten years. And the one girl that I didn't like in the first place? Yeah, the dislike was pretty much still there.

So the other girl (who I was actually friends with for a brief time in HS) wandered down to our end of the table to chat. She starts asking Weenie and I all kinds of questions about where we live, marital status, jobs, etc. I realize that we are giving her one-word answers and not really having a conversation. Not only that, but we didn't ask her anything about herself! Later, in the car, I ask Weenie if she realized the same thing.
She said "Oh yeah. Huh. I didn't even think about that. Hee hee."
I said "The weird thing is, I didn't mean to be rude. I just didn't really care."
"Hmmm...me neither."
I guess we are both just bitchy that way. I know we are going to go to the reunion this weekend and people will say "hey look, those bitches haven't changed!" Oh well, I'll be drunk, so who cares!

Also, remember Totally 80's? Well her last day here is on Friday. YAY! So they are putting together a "Memory Book" for her and have invited everyone to come and sign it. They have also been taking pictures of random people around the hotel. Well Totally 80's totally covets my color printer. So they took my picture next to it. Ooookay...so here is the moral dilemna: Do I suck it up and sign the damn memory book with something lame and fake (Have a great summer! K.I.T. 2 good + 2 be = 4 gotten)? Or do I stick to my guns and just not sign it. To be honest, I think I would have a hard time writing in the book and not saying "Good Riddance!!" Ugh! Maybe I should just stay away. I guess I'm just bitchy that way...

Ketchup

Hee hee....I have been busy playing catch up on all the work that I missed over my four-day weekend. So I will have to read and comment and catch up with everyone later. By the way, HAPPY STAR WARS TRILOGY ON DVD DAY!!! Woo hoo!! Got mine this afternoon!

Girly Post!

I love the day spa I go to (Complexions). As you know, I had a facial on Friday. As often happens with facials, I have had a few blemishes since then. Well, Complexions has a policy where they will do high-frequency treatments for free for up to three days after. Whooppee!! Let's inject those puppies with Benzoyl Peroxide and zap them dry! I have my reunion on Staurday and I need a blemish free face!

Also, I feel it is my duty as a woman to inform every other woman out there about THE BEST UNDERWEAR EVER! I love this underwear and I own about 50,000 pairs (I think I am Britney and I just throw them away after every use - Kidding!). They are totally comfy, they never ride up where they aren't supposed to. They are low enough that they don't hang out of my low jeans when I sit down. They leave no VPL. You don't feel half-naked when you wear them under a skirt. And, with men so used to thongs, when they see you wearing the little boy shorts, it is a little surprise and usually turns them on...So, if you don't have an AE near you, order them online. Trust me, you won't be sorry!

The Smartest Blogger Ever!

Check me out, posting my picture and shit! Who rules? Me me me!! Just kidding! In all truth, Cindy-Lou rules. She told me how to do it. So while I would like to take the title of "Smartest Blogger Ever", I will reluctantly hand the tiara over to her...right after I am done wearing it. I promise. Cindy, stop touching it, I'll give it to you when I'm done!!

All Class, All the Time

Must go to sleep. But before I do, I would like to tell you how disturbed I am. I was watching the Post-Emmy's Post-Party Pre-Show (or whatever that crap with George Pinnochio - hee - was). They are interviewing celebrities. On NATIONAL TELEVISION. Millions of people are watching. What two words did I hear? Fart. And Butt. Now, I find farts as funny as the next person (obviously, see post below). However, I am not a famous person. Being interviewed. On ABC. Classy...

WTF?!!?

I do one little post and it got all F'd up!! HELP!

I Hate Buick

Watching the Emmys. If I have to hear the HORRENDOUS MASSACRE of "Paperback Writer" one more time, I am sticking my head in the oven. Just for that, I am going to key every single Buick I see from now on (if you own a Buick, please let me know ahead of time, so that I might spare your car).


Dude! Wife Swap! How do I sign up for that!?!? And do I have to go back?

Just a Matter of Time

According to this site I am going to die on Wednesday, April 8, 2048. Hmmm. This means that I have 44 years left to live. Hmmm. That is a lot of time. I haven't even lived half of my estimated life. I have so much time and so little to do. Wait. Strike that. Reverse it. Hee. All this time...so many places to see and people to meet. I better get busy! Right after I click on to the next Blog. Hee. Damn that button! It's a time sucker! Anyway, check out to see when you might die!

Am I Stupid?

I don't get it...I tried to add this picture on my profile and I can't figure it out. BOOOOO!!! Can someone help me?

It's all about me! 

F-ing Lady

I believe I may have seen the best license plate, evah! Spotted on an old Mercedes, driven by an even older lady: FINGLDY. Does that mean F***ing Lady? That's what it looks like to me!

P.S. Is it possible that Star Jones could be more annoying than Joan Rivers...I think so!

Nectar of the Gods

You gotta love a wedding where the champagne, it is a flowing! Tee hee...drinking and blogging probably shouldn't go together. Although, I probably shouldn't have driven home, so at this point, what different does it make if I make a post (calm down, people, I'm fine and I didn't break any laws, so spare me the lecture). Anywhoo, the wedding was gorgeous, as was the bride. The food was delicious, the booze was better. And, I got a full on peep show with the sluts at my table. HA!

So, there was one girl there that was TOTALLY loaded. And after she barfed in the bathroom and her boyfriend was trying to get her to make a graceful exit, she let out a HUGE fart!! I almost peed my pants, I was laughing so hard! Especially since she was trying so hard to be "sexy" all night! Karma is a bitch and I heart her!

Stupid Clubs

So yesterday I had a "me" day. I woke up and went to the spa and got an awesome facial from my favorite esthetician. It was so nice to start a day out being relaxed and pampered instead of starting it out cursing like a sailor and yelling at my fellow commuters. After my facial, I met a couple of friends for brunch. We sat outside on the water, we had a nice breakfast, we had mimosas (mmmm...my favorite). After that I went apartment hunting, which is a HUGE pain in the ass! However, Renee was nice enough to ride bitch and cover the right side of the street and use her super vision to read tiny numbers on miniscule signs that are 300 feet away. She rules!

In the afternoon I went to a work-sponsored going away party, followed by non-work-sponsored drinks. Totally unrelated story: We were discussing songs from the 80's and getting the words wrong. One of my co-workers told us that his brother used to think that song "Walking in LA" was actually "Walking On a Lake". hee hee...now I can't stop singing that!

We decided that we needed to go home and "get pretty" and go out-out. I haven't put on my fancies and my nice make-up and gone out since Vegas! I was so excited! We met for cocktails and then we headed over to V2O, the new club in Long Beach.

LAME!!! It was a total bait and switch! As we are walking up to the club, we hear good hip-hop and old school music being played. Awwww yeah, I am soooo gonna get my groove on! $20 and an Amstel Light later, I find myself standing in a nicely decorated, very large, half-empty club listening to house/trance/loud "music to kill yourself to". UGH! I wander around and notice another room...another room with hip-hop music. Now that's more like it...Now, to get in there I just need to stand IN THIS HUGE MOTHER-FUCKIN' LINE!! Whaaaaat? Let me get this straight: I stood in line and paid $20 to get into this place to stand in line? Who the hell came up with this concept?

We were just standing around anyway, so we figured we might as well stand in line...for an hour! By the time we got in the other room, there was only about 45 minutes left to dance. Grrr! At least it was a quality 45 minutes...

To make matters worse, we parked in the parking structure. On the 4th floor (that was all that was available!). It took us 45 minutes to get outta there! There is only one way to get out and only two booths open! It was insane!

Is the city of Long Beach so hurting for money that they need to cause major commotion and unrest for $3/car? They probably spent more money on labor than they made on the parking! Or not, who knows. But they certainly pissed me off! And I love my city, I do. But this was just madness! There was honking, yelling, screeching. I thought for sure I would see a fight somewhere. It left such a bad taste in my mouth. It's really too bad, too. I would much rather hop in a cab or take a short drive to a local club, instead of having to drive to LA. I would much rather support my local businesses as opposed to spending money elsewhere. Unfortunately, I don't think that will happen. The club and the parking situation were so poorly organized! It was pure chaos and for the amount of money that we spent, just not worth it. I think that if Long Beach wants to "upgrade" and portray itself as the new "hot spot" they have a lot of work to do. Back to the drawing board, guys!

Puck Off!!

Every year about this time, I start to get excited. I love fall. I love the smell, the temperature, the holidays, the clothes, etc. But most of all, I love me some hockey.

Around October the pre-season games start. All the changes over the summer are displayed for everyone to see. You get to see some players who maybe missed the end of the previous season due to injury. You get to see new players that have been added to the team, and observe how well they work with the existing team. It's so exciting! It gets you pumped up for your team, for the season. For me, I get to practice calling the refs every god-awful name under the sun. I get to practice standing up for three periods, drinking beer and holding it for a period and then running as fast as I can to the restroom, knocking down dumb girls as I go. The pre-season is a beautiful thing because it means the season is coming.

Or not, as is the case this year. It is with a heavy heart that I have been observing the events of the past few weeks in the NHL. Negotiations have flown out the window faster than you can say "Frasier sucks!" And with those negotiations, most of what I look forward to about fall has gone, too.

I enjoy sports for the most part, but not like I enjoy hockey. I get obsessed. I turn into a completely different person. Most of my friends and family will not go to a game with me. They usually won't even go to a sports bar or even watch the game with me at home. They will definitely not bring their children near me. I am a monster when it comes to hockey. I can barely think about anything else. It is ugly.

When I still lived at home, the neighbors once called the cops from all the noise I was making. Imagine my embarrassment when I had to explain to the police that yes, I was making all that noise. No, no one else is home right now. Yes, I am watching television. It is a playoff game between the Avs and the Wings. Do you understand how serious that is? Sorry, officer, I have to go. The puck is back in play.

NOW WHAT AM I LEFT WITH!?!?! I suppose I can watch the Ice Dogs play. That's always fun. But it's not the same. It's not my Avs. They don't show them on TV. I can't go to a sports bar and get a crowd riled up. It's just not the same. I can't tape their schedule to my fridge and plan my social life around it (or lack thereof as the case may be). I can't wear my lucky shirt and not wash it until they, god-forbid, lose. I mean, I suppose I can...but no, it's just not the same.

Without a "healthy" outlet for my anger, where will it all go? At least hockey allows me to yell and cuss and throw things at people that are not personally affected by me. Who am I going to take that out on? Any volunteers?!?!

Geesh! I am going to have a lot of pent up anger. I hope my friends and family make it through to the Spring...

My New Motto!

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand - martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, 'WOO HOO - What a Ride!'"

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but themoments that take our breath away.

Guess Who's Back?

Just as I was getting comfortable again, guess who shows up? That's right, the Mother F-ing BUG!!! UGH!!!

There I am, relaxing in the house, watching the Amazing Race by myself. My brother had just left and I was unwinding for the night. During a commercial break, I decide to wash my face and get ready for bed. I walk into the bathroom and don't notice anything unusual. However, as I am rinsing I suddenly get an eerie feeling, like I am being watched. I quickly rinse the soap out of my eyes because at this point I have the full-on heebie jeebies. I look around me...nothing. I turn around...and HOLY SHIT! That Mother Fucker is just chilling next to the bath mat staring at me, wiggling his damn antennae at me! Hate the antennae! Now, there is very little room for me to maneuver past the Bug into the hallway. And my face is dripping wet. So I do a little hop/run thing and end up in the hallway. I can't see the Bug anymore, just the wiggling of the long ass antennae! I am standing there dripping wet, trying to decide what to do when all of it sudden it comes tearing around the corner and running straight towards me! I yell "Fuck that!" and slam the door shut! Dude! I barely made it...

I know the bug can't fit underneath the door, but just for my own peace of mind, I shove a towel under there anyway. I have to position myself on the couch so that I can watch TAR and keep my eye on the hallway to make sure the Bug does not run into my room. I called P to find out when he would be home because there was no way in hell I was gonna sleep until this thing was DEAD!

So about an hour later, P finally comes home. I prep him on the fact that this thing is bigger than my head (he still hasn't seen it) and that it moves like lightning! I tell him that I shut the door on it and that it could be on the backside of the door or up above the door by this time, so he better be prepared. I think the Bug had a death wish. P opens the door, it is sitting right there. He throws a gigantor shoe at it. There is a disgusting popping noise that shakes the house. P turns to me and informs me that it is dead. There is NO FUCKING WAY!! Are you sure? I want to see the body. Big mistake (huge). I peer at the carcass and start retching, it is so disgusting.

I am still shaking but realize that it is about 2 hours past my bedtime so I better finish up what I need to do and get to bed. As I am walking back into the hallway, something catches my eye...What the fuck? OH SWEET JESUS!! There is another one! I AM BEING INVADED!! I nearly piss myself, I am screaming and jumping up and down. Luckily this one is in a plastic bag that had been in the hallway (don't ask...and who knows how many more were in that bag). I make P pick up the bag and march it down to the trash can. Phew! At this point I am exhausted and traumatized! All I want is to lay down and sleep. As I get into my bed, I see a big spider camping out near my head. More screaming ensues and P comes in to kill it. He is not happy. Without a word he goes to his room and shuts his door.

Thank you?

I know I'm Little...

...but some lady at Target just ran over my foot with her cart and when I yelped had the nerve to say "Oh, I didn't see you there." Lady! I am the only person in line! WTF? She didn't even say sorry to me. And do you know why she mowed me down with her cart? Because she saw another checkout open and she wanted to be the first one there. The funny thing is, I was almost done! I was signing the electronic box and getting on my way. Now, I am the last one to talk about patience because I know that I am short on it. A lot. But I usually try not to make a habit of RUNNING PEOPLE OVER!

And here is the other thing: I can't help wondering if people think that I am young and that it is okay to treat me a certain way. I know I have this problem at stores. And it really pisses me off. If I go to the mall in jeans, a t-shirt, flip flops, and a ponytail (which is what I can mostly be found in) I can pretty much guarantee that I will be ignored at the nicer stores. This ticks me off to no end! I make my own money, I have my own credit cards, and I am happy to spend good money on quality clothes, especially those that fit! These people have no idea where I work or what I do, what gives them the right to decide that I am just a young girl with no money? UGH! It's just as bad when I go shopping with my best friend. She is the same size as me and looks very young as well.

It reminds of the time that my two friends (Chelsea V and Weenie) and I went to Palm Springs for a relaxing spa day. Ahhh...we spent several blissful hours at Two Bunch Palms being massaged and relaxing in the hot springs. Obviously by the time we left we were extremely relaxed, but we weren't looking our best. Our hair was up, we had no make-up on and we were all in comfy shorts and tank tops. We decide that before we hit the outlets, we need to refuel so we head on over to PF Changs. Where we are ignored and generally treated like poo. Everyone else is getting their food, getting attention from our waitress, generally being treated well. When we complained to the manager we get a half-hearted apology and a little laugh. The only possible explanation we can think of is that we were being treated like this because we looked young. Luckily Changs redeemed themselves when I wrote an angry letter on their website! Hee!

Anywhoo, I totally lost my train of thought (why did I start this post?), but the point is, maybe we should all be a tiny bit nicer to younger people (or those that look young). At least until they give us a reason not to...which may not take too long! hee hee...

I Hate the Internet!!

I totally planned on sneaking out at 2...well, it came and went and here I sit. Why? Because I find myself clicking on links and discovering new sites and laughing so hard I cry and now I am cross-eyed and it is 4:15 and I get off at 4:30 so what's another 15 minutes anyway. GAH! Stupid internet!!

Oh well, at least I got paid for the whole day and I didn't leave early to spend money.

WOO HOO!!

No bosses today! Yippee skippee!! What does this mean? This means I can leave early and go shopping! Happy Monday!

If You Like Cops...

...you gotta check out this Blog...great stories!

Beer and Blogging

Does it get any better than my two favorite "B" words? I THINK NOT!! I'm sittin' on my couch in front of a fan, drinking an Amstel Light, watching a crappy movie and writing/reading Blogs. Heat? What heat? Is it hot outside? I didn't notice because I am blissfully peaceful right now.

P.S. I am such an F-ing liar! I am sweating to death!! The part about what I'm doing is true, but I am totally lying about the oppressive heat!

Following the Leader

Seeing as how I am not only a pawn, I am also a pawn that can't think for herself, I will totally list some things about me:

1. I want to be Karen Walker when I grow up (A rich, alcoholic widow with a great closet).
2. I am obsessed with Buffy and Angel.
3. I like to have the wits scared out of me.
4. I make the tastiest chocolate chip cookies.
5. I am deathly afraid of spiders.
6. I drive like a bat outta hell.
7. I have an incredible memory, it is a little scary.
8. I love to read and try to read at least 1-2 books a week.
9. I suffer from anxiety and insomnia.
10. My bladder is the size of a peanut.
11. I miss being able to smoke in bars, especially when it's cold out.
12. The second best kiss I ever had was from a girl.

Ooops! I listed 12 instead of 10...geesh! I could go on and on. Maybe #13 should be: I have an ego the size the Greenland!

My Name is Mel, and I Am a Pawn

A pawn! I will try to keep everyone happy. I will agree with everyone. I will go to lunch when they want to. I will eat what they decide. I will pick up after them. I will go to events that are horribly boring and expensive so they don't get pissy. I will talk about boring work-related topics so that they can keep talking. I will not speak until spoken to.

And then I will curl up in my bed and die of embarrassment for being so weak-willed!

UGH!! Is it time to go home yet!?!?

It's All Meat to Me

Overheard on meatloaf day in the employee cafeteria:

"Mmmm...there's nothing better than Salisbury Steak!"

Um yeah, unless it's meatloaf!!

Macy Gray Ain't No Star

There is an event at my hotel tonight where Macy Gray will be performing. I am not a Macy Gray fan, never really have been, probably never will be. The coolest thing I can think about her is that I really liked her kitchen when I saw her house on Cribs. Other than that, eh...I could take her or leave her.

Every morning representatives from most departments gather together to briefly discuss the day's events, someone takes notes and the notes are distributed so that everyone in the hotel knows what is going on (ideally anyway).

Anywhoo, this morning the big topic was Macy Gray and her concert tonight. Apparently our Head of Security fashions himself as the music critic of our hotel (note that he is probably in his 60's and not at all "hip" or "with it"). His comments were as follows:

"Macy Gray is a nobody! She's what, had two songs that hit the top ten? I went to her website and there was nothing there! Did she even have more than one album? She's not famous! She's a nobody!"

Tee hee...I don't know what's worse, his comments or the fact that the Catering Manager refers to her as "Gracie May"!

Macy, please check your ego at the door. We are obviously so not impressed with you at this hotel!

Peetos!

I swear I am not obsessed with pee! But I was so excited that That 70's Show was on last night. And what do they have a little story about? Peetos!! For those of you who don't watch that show, that would be Cheetos that have been peed on. Oh dear lord, I was dying! So funny! Peetos!!

Kinda Scary

Does it freak anyone else out that when you pee after drinking Starbucks, it smells exactly the same!?!? SB is taking over the world, one coffee drinker at a time!!

Totally 80's

There is a woman who works here who apparently has not stepped foot in a mall or department store since 1987. Seriously. Even her perfume reeks from the 80's. She wears Estee Lauder's Beautiful. Do they even make that anymore? She must have a lifetime supply of it because she pours half the bottle on herself every day. She just walked by my desk (she doesn't talk to me because I once complained about her...boo hoo...I so wish she would talk to me) and my whole area will smell like her for the rest of the day. Her makeup is carefully copied step-by-step from the June 1985 Glamour. She believes that with shoulder pads, more is more. She is single-handedly keeping Aqua Net in business. I think she saw Working Girl one too many times. I am so frightened for her children! Do you think they know what decade it is? Let's hope they have good friends that will keep them hip!

WTF Moment of the Day

I swear our MIS person is the inspiration for the whole "Your Computer Guy" skit on SNL. She wears a labcoat, people!! Anywhoo, she walks in from the lobby and is holding out a tiny piece of paper to me:

DB: "Someone left this in the ATM machine."
MM: "What is it?"
DB: "They left their receipt in the machine."
MM: "Aaaaaand????"
DB: "What should I do with it? Should I throw it away...or..."

At this point I can't even answer because I am so blown away by the ridiculousness of this conversation. I snatch the paper from her hand and throw it away.

MM: "There. All taken care of."

WTF!??!?!!?

I'm Dreaming of a Long Weekend!

It's 1:40 on a Friday before a long weekend. How much work do you think I am getting done? I am very excited for this weekend. However, with the exception of the Dave Chappelle concert on Showtime on Saturday night, I really have no plans. What should I do??? Ideally this is what I would like:

Friday, 4:30pm: Head straight to Macy's. Buy two or three pairs of shoes. Check out the clothes. Buy an outfit that makes me look tall. Head to the make-up counter. But make-up that will make me look irresistible while not seeming like I am trying to hard. This shopping trip should be followed by mass consumption of food and alcohol. Drift off to sleep in slightly-buzzed haze.

Saturday, 9:00am: Wake up hangover-free, feeling completely refreshed! Go to the gym and discover that no one else has decided to work out this morning so I have the entire gym all to myself. Have a good work out and miracuously, don't sweat or smell!

Saturday, 12:00pm: After a long, hot shower discover that my skin has cleared up and my pores have shrunk! Celebrate with lunch and cocktails with my best friend.

Saturday, 4:00pm: Return home to find an excellent selection of movies on TV. Nap while watching them. Get up after a few hours, eat dinner and watch Dave Chapelle while having many beers. Beat my friends at Trivial Pursuit. Drift off to sleep in a slightly-buzzed haze.

Sunday: Have a leisurely champagne-filled brunch. Go home and lay in sweats all day watching movies.

Sunday, 7pm: Get a last-minute invite to a BBQ/Party. Have perfect outfit to wear and a good hair night. Skin still clear! Go to sleep in a slightly-buzzed haze.

Monday, 9am: Wake up and ask the boy next to me to drive me home (HA!). Come home to find that someone has cleaned my house and done the laundry! Head off to movies, followed by dinner and drinks. Go to sleep in a slightly-buzzed haze.

Bad Hair Cut?

Tee hee...so I overheard the Head Honcho (no pun intended) here talking to someone else this morning. He says: "Apparently I got a bad hair cut because everybody keeps commenting on the fact that I got my hair cut. Usually people only notice you got your hair cut when it is a bad one." Hmmm...It's a good thing I was under my desk holding in my laughter because you know what? It really is a bad haircut.

These Are the People in My Neighborhood

Some things that I have observed while walking/driving through my neighborhood:

- A car in front of me with a license plate that says "URCHEEZ". How cool is that!?! I now want one that says "IMCHEEZ". Who thinks of this stuff??

- A woman walking down the street carrying a head of lettuce and a toilet plunger. Hmmm...I can't even begin to imagine what kind of kinky games she was gonna play.

- A man walking around fully dressed, except instead of shorts he was wearing Raiders boxers. Umm, Buddy, you aren't fooling anyone. Yeah, we can all tell they're boxers.

- Another grown man squeezed into a Cub Scout uniform (the blue and gold one) about 10 sizes too small for him, complete with scarf and hat, marching and saluting people as they walk by (I swear I live no where near any type of institution).

- A guy getting a blowjob from a girl. Standing on the sidewalk. In a residential area. I had to drive by twice to make sure I wasn't seeing anything!

But I Still Look 17!

So, I have my ten-year high school reunion this month. Whaaaat?? How did that happen? I must've been sucked into some sort of vortex that threw me into an alternate universe. I just don't understand how time could've gone by that fast! The weird thing is, I still feel 18. I still get carded for everything. That has to count for something, right?

I have been dreaming about my reunion and last night was a weird one (must've been the Rocky Road Ice Cream I had for dinner). So in my dream the first part of the reunion was in a little bar and it was for everyone in my class. After the first hour we moved into a ballroom and everyone who ever graduated from my high school was invited to come and bring their families. Well, I walked into the ballroom and realized I had left my purse in the bar (which strangely enough, I have done before...I have even left my shoes in a club in Vegas, but that's a story for another time). So I run back to the bar and it is closed. The janitor is mopping the floor. And he is Ashton Kutcher. So I am knocking on the glass because from where I am I can see my purse (which is a very cute white Coach purse...I wish!). Janitor Ashton completely ignores me!! Rude! Finally after what seems like a miserably long time, he opens the door. I ask for my purse and he gets for me and I LEAVE! Dumb Mel! Anywhoo, I finally make it into the ballroom. There are a bunch of people that I recognize and they are all there with their families. And they are all dressed in bikinis!! Well, the girls are anyway. And they are all super tan and have permed, frosted hair. The hell? Needless to say, I am feeling completely over dressed in my black strapless number (who let me out of the house in a black dress and a white purse? I am so glad I couldn't see my shoes because they probably would've been white pumps! AAAHHH!). And the weirdest part was, I was all alone because all my friends were on stage singing Karaoke to that 4 Non Blondes song "What's Going On?" At least I think that's the name of the song...

Oh gosh! What if my reunion really is like that? Do I need to get my hair permed and frosted before I go?

Last One, I Swear!

So I really want to get out of my funk and only post happy, peppy posts (that was fun, said it out loud!). However, something really hit me this morning. During commercials on my normal morning station, I flip over to a different station and listen to Jamie and Danny. This morning Jamie was very serious in talking about relationships. She was talking about being honest with your SO and that if you didn't love them the same way anymore, it was more fair for everyone involved to just tell them that. Hmmm...honesty and fairness. What a concept. She then goes on to say that she was such a coward when she was in the same situation. And that right now there are a lot of people who are just going through the "marriage motions" right now. How true. But where do I go from here? Do I tell P, hey, things have changed, I'm sorry, please forgive me. He says yes and all is forgiven and there is no guilt. And then I wake up. I know him. I know he is just waiting for me to make the first move so that he can say that I left him and he is the victim. So I guess that is how it is going to be. I will be the bitch. I will take that title. What else can I do. He has told me that our relationship is "pointless" and that he wishes we weren't married so that it would be easier to walk away. What I tried to explain to him was that whether he knew it or not, he walked away a long time ago.

Cable Guy for President

So just a quick note, because it is too funny to let go. So a girl who works here made the comment to someone else this morning: "There is no way I am going to vote for that Jim Carrey guy." To which her smartass co-worker makes the snide comment to me "Oh yeah, I am voting for Mariah Carey." Tee hee...

Feelin' a Spoonful of Lovin'

So a friend of mine walked around the corner today and told me he loved me. Even if he doesn't mean it in the way that a girl wants to hear a guy say it, it was still nice to hear. I haven't heard that from a male in a long time. In fact, the only person who ever tells me this is my mom. And I don't know if she really means it half the time. In case you hadn't noticed, Today is officially my "Pity Party" and you're all invited.

Put a Fork in Me

I am so done. I feel like I have been beaten down into pulp. Made to feel like I don't matter, which obviously I don't. What I don't understand is this: How do I always end up as the bad guy? Why am I always the bitch? I know that I have made a lot of mistakes and done a lot of mean or wrong things, but it is not always all my fault. And I don't think it's fair that everyone assumes that. Including my parents! I would just like P to take some responsibility! Instead, he blames me. I've "gone crazy" and "changed"...oooh, but he has stayed exactly who he always was. Right. Here's the bottom line, though. Nobody really knows what has happened between us and I have tried to keep everyone out of it. So, please have the courtesy to NOT blame ME! Or make assumptions. In fact, if I haven't really told you anything, it's because I don't want you to make judgments and assumptions. I will tell you this, though. I am scared. I haven't ever been on my own. And right now, I have never felt more alone. And that is not a place I like to be...