Thursday, January 27, 2005

Practically Perfect

Sometimes there are things that satisfy your craving or fit your needs so well, that for a while they are "practically perfect in every way" (like Mary Poppins). As of 11am this morning, here are some things that I think are practically perfect:

  • Snickers Poppables - I think that I have mentioned them before in previous posts, but I would like to reiterate their perfection. Seriously. The truth is, I am not a crazy-obsessed chocolate freak. I could usually give or take it. And when I do crave it, I don't need a lot to keep me happy. Which is where the Poppables "pop" in (hee...couldn't resist). They are bite-sized, have a taste of caramel and are a little nutty. Mmmm...chocolate perfection to me! And if I only have a teeny craving, I just have a couple. If I have a ginormous craving, I eat the whole bag!
  • The Garden State Soundtrack - I tend to become a little obsessed at times. I have been listening to this soundtrack all day every day for the past two and half weeks. And I am not sick of it yet. Now it has become a mission of sorts. How long can I possibly listen to it before I want to shove it behind the couch and not see it for two years? So far, there is no end in site. Best soundtrack! Ever!
  • Ralph Lauren Bath Sheets - I know I am little and I don't necessarily "need" a bath sheet, but I just love them so much. They are thick and fluffy and soft. They retain their flavor. I love that. There is nothing more comforting than drying off with a yummy-smelling thick towel. And the weird thing is, they help to keep my entire bathroom smelling April Fresh! Plus, they perfectly match my sheets! Which brings me too...
  • Ralph Lauren 500 Count Sateen Sheets - I know that 500 is not an exceptionally high thread count, but the sateen definitely helps. They are sooooo soft and comfy! They making getting into bed something to look forward to and getting out of bed something to dread. I just want to spend days snuggled in my comfy sheets. And guess what! They retain their flavor as well!
  • Sharpie Ultra Fine Point Permanent Markers - They come in so many fun colors, you can buy a mixed pack! And they are thin enough that you can use them everyday for every occasion. Want to leave a note for a co-worker? Why not spice it up with a fun color? Writing out the same old grocery list? Add some pizzazz and use a purple pen! Did I just say "pizzazz"? Geesh! I need to get out!
  • Target - Target is amazing in that it really helps you find things that you never knew you needed. And when you find something you need, you REALLY need it. How did I live before having it? Plus, you can get 4,562 hangers for $3.50!! I never need to buy hangers again! And, I have so many hangers that I am thinking of creative ways to hang everything! Even my unmentionables! Which, for obvious reasons, I cannot mention.
  • Eclipse Mints - Wow! Best mints ever! Tiny, yet powerful. Yankeebob, this may help with your onion obsession!
  • My appetite - It's finally back and it is back with a vengeance. I swear, I ate 2 pieces of chicken and 2 sides of mashed potatoes and gravy from KFC last night in about 4 1/2 minutes. Which, for those that know me, is unusual because I am officially the world's slowest eater!

I guess that about covers it for now. I have a lot of small perfections in my life, who knew?!?!

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Does an Umbrella Really Fit in a Shot Glass?

I'm a little frightened...

How to make a Mel Mega

3 parts jealousy

5 parts humour

1 part leadership
Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of sadness


Today is Virgnia Woolf's birthday.

Today I am going to listen to "Let Go" by Frou Frou 28 times. Because there is "beauty in the breakdown."

Today I found a huge bump on my head. I don't know where it is from.

Today I had a tuna sandwich for a morning snack.

Today I am going to Target to buy a hamper, because putting my dirty clothes in a pile in the corner doesn't work for the anal-retentiveness in me.

Today I am also going to buy hangers because I have a much bigger closet and no dresser.

Today I am going to eat a 3 "servings" of Quaker Caramel Corn Rice Cakes. Because I can.

Today I am going to make tacos for dinner.

Today I am going to maintain a positive attitude throughout the day. Even though I have to take it one hour at a time.

Today I am going to drive home and not call anyone a "mother fucker"...or at least try my darndest not to.

Today I am going to catch up on my emails and return my calls.

Today I am going to go to sleep at 10:00, no matter what is on TV.

Today I will try to smile and be nice to everyone I see. So they will think I am a sweet, friendly person.

Today I will remember that tomorrow is another day.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

I Did It For Cat!!

Today is Cat's Birthday. So go wish her a happy one! On my birthday she had a very nice cake for me on her Blog. I don't know how to do that, so I had to get creative.

I thought to myself: "Self, if Cat were here, how would we be celebrating her birthday? Why with drinks of course!"

So Cat, I went and had Birthday drinks for you last night. A lot. Tons. So many that I woke up this morning...on the bathroom floor. *shudder*

It was a dirty job, but someone in CA had to go out and toast you last night. I was happy to accept the challenge and I apparently did a brilliant job.

Anyway, have a very Happy Birthday Cat! And I hope all your wishes come true!!

Friday, January 21, 2005


Why can't people pronounce "buffet" right? Or "foyer"? It's like that commercial where the guy says wa-rap for wrap. Cracks me up every time. I just heard one of the assistants up here say "buffet" and clearly pronounce the "t". She said this to a client. Great image we are projecting here.

Just Let Me Get This Off My Chest...

I am losing my mind! Every day this week I have woken up and thought it was Saturday. And then I realize it isn't. So I lay in my bad and spew out every awful word and phrase I can think of. After about 15 minutes of that, I drag my sorry ass outta bed and into the shower. Where at least 10 more phrases pop into my head and I yell them out. Hmmm...I wonder if my new neighbors think I have Tourette's? I think I am going to play it off like I do. I am just going to walk around my apartment and drop f-bombs and call the people on TV whores and A-holes. All day. Every day. Because I can.

So back to my confusion about what day it actually is. The worst part of this whole story is that is doesn't really matter if it is Saturday or not. Because I work on Saturdays. Granted I don't have to go in until 11, so I do get to sleep in a little. But I still have to get up and get shiny and clean and make happy at all the couples that are about to ruin their relationships by getting married. Sorry! Not true for all married people, I guess. Some people actually marry other people that are nice and care about someone other than themselves.

Which brings me to my next topic (I swear, I have had no champagne this morning). I am completely losing my faith in humanity. I know that there are decent people out there who genuinely want to do something nice for someone, just because. But it seems that more and more, people do something nice for someone with the expectation that they will be getting something out of it. It's always a trade-off of some sort. Now don't get me wrong, I am more than happy to help someone out and happy that they will help me out when needed. I am not talking about favors like driving someone to the airport or helping them move (grrr)...although sometimes it involves things like that.

I am talking about emotional things. Mental support. Is it worth my time to help someone through a crisis when I could be home watching the Apprentice? Why would I drive 30 minutes to see my friend who is going through a very rough time, when I can stay in my bubble in the OC and just send her an email? I swear, these things actually go through my friend's heads. Do you know how many friends have come to see me in the last 6 months or so? One. Just one. Do you know how many phone calls I have received from friends who have said "I know you are going through a rough time, why don't we go to dinner or have drinks or something?" One. And it was from Grace (God love her!). Who I have only "met" once.

Maybe I am just as bad. Maybe I am so wrapped up in the stupid drama that is my life that I haven't stopped to think about what my friends may be going through. I guess its fair to say that. But I know that if one of them were going through something as major as I am, I would do what it takes to make them feel better. I'm not saying I'm a better person or friend, I just know that if one of my friends is sad, it makes me sad. And if I have to drive to South OC to take them to dinner, then I will fucking do it. But geesh! You'd think I lived in Siberia with how often my friends come around. And it gets thrown right back to me "well you never visit us"...True, but I also work up to 10 hour days, sometimes 6 or 7 days a week. And in case you hadn't noticed I have been in the process OF LEAVING MY HUSBAND AND MOVING ALL BY MYSELF!


Thursday, January 20, 2005

The Dead Zone

Wow! You guys are morbid. I love that in a person. Here is everyone's Dead Pool picks. If you didn't get yours in and you want to be added, let me know. If you would like me to email you an Excel version, let me know. If I got your picks wrong or you want to change them, go screw. Hee.

Steve (with the cute butt) says:

  1. The Pope
  2. Kirk Douglas
  3. Phyllis Diller
Grace (her butt's not bad either):
  1. Fidel Castro
  2. Don Knotts
  3. Charlton Heston
Ian (I can only imagine his butt):
  1. Charlie Watts
  2. Prince Phillip
  3. Mark Hamill (Really, Ian? Luke Skywalker?)
  1. Richard Pryor
  2. Keith Richards
  3. Dick Cheney
  1. George W (Good God, we can hope...)
  2. Jackie Stallone
  3. Hugh Hefner
  1. Nick Nolte (He's halfway there!)
  2. Angela Lansbury
  3. Hillary Clinton
  1. Britney Spears
  2. Chevy Chase (Shawn's pick)
  3. Charlton Heston
  1. Tom Petty
  2. Tom Jones (I have seen the man in a speedo. He ain't going anywhere this year!)
  3. Farrah Fawcett
Sic (totally wins for most creative reasoning!):
  1. Jennifer Garner (Man)
  2. JLo
  3. Gwyneth Paltrow
  1. Chief Justice William Rehnquist
  2. Betty White
  3. Rev. Billy Graham


  1. Richard Pryor
  2. Liza Minelli
  3. Whitney Houston/Bobby Brown (I realize this is two people, but I think they may kill each other or have some sort of weird suicide/OD pact)

So, as you can see, the only people that have two votes are Charlton Heston and Richard Pryor. Which means that if you did not vote for one of these people and someone on your list dies, you are raking in the Death Pool points! By the way, at the end of the year, I will send the winner something. And it won't be Laffy Taffy (for the record, I had 4 glasses of champagne in a meeting at work and it took me 4 tries to spell "laffy taffy" right). Hee!

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Not Dead Yet!!

Hey guys, I will try and get to a "normal" post today, but I wanted you all to know that I am officially in my very first apartment that belongs all to me!! I won't tell you where so that none of you creepy stalkers can find me. Although I think the extent of my "stalkers" pretty much includes Grace and that's it. So never mind. I will gladly tell Grace where I live because she promised me champagne and P-Funks. Suh-weet! But the move went well. I have about 26 bruises on my legs. And my calves feel like I ran 356 miles uphill. But I did it!! YAY MEL!! I am so grown up now. Weeee!

Anyway, I have been super busy at work, but I hope to catch up this morning so that I can post the Dead Pool results and also explain why I am losing faith in humanity.

Talk to you soon!

Friday, January 14, 2005

In Case You Care...

...I have eaten about 40 mini corn dogs today and 4 packs of Smarties. I am aiming to eat my weight in mini corn dogs. But I had to balance it out with the pure sugar of the Smarties. corn dogs....

Born With a Penis?

For some reason, I am obsessed with famous women that may have been men at one time or another. As you all I know, I totally think this is true of Jennifer Garner. I'm sorry, but there is just nothing soft and lovely about her. Have you seen her run on Alias? And she has the weirdest shaped body! So, I think she at one time had a penis.

I think Hillary Swank was a man at one time as well. And I thought this looooong before Boys Don't Cry (although that movie pretty much confirmed my suspicions). Does anyone remember her in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie? She was one of Buffy's friends. She looked like a guy wearing a wig. And when she was on 90210, I am pretty sure she got a boner when she made out with Steve. Final verdict? Penis.

Chynna the wrestler? Do I need to say more? Penis for sure!!

In one of the comments from the Dead Pool (of which I will post tomorrow), someone mentioned Bea Arthur. TOTAL MAN!

I think that on the next version of the Swan, they should take a guy and turn him into a woman. And then make him run around in a form-fitting rubber suit to try and erase all doubt from the viewing public. Apparently people will believe it.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Dead Pool

No, not the Clint Eastwood movie. The actual pool. Of death. He. He.

Who wants to play? Do you know how?

Email me (or put in comments) your top three celebrities that you think will kick the bucket in 2005. Please get creative. When someone dies, I will award points based on how many people have picked that celebrity.

For example, let's say that Cat puts 50 cent on her list. And no one else does. If he gets caught in gang crossfire while volunteering at the local Boys and Girls Club, Cat will get 20 points. If Cat has him on her list and so does CL, they will each get 10 points. Make sense?

I will put together a spreadsheet and email it to everyone so that you are all aware of where everyone stands. And if you go out and kill someone on your list, you get no points, so don't even think about it.

Now, get out there and decide who will die in 2005!

Saturday, January 08, 2005

The Truth Is...

...all this time that my "marriage" has been in shambles is a result of something else. Yes, it's true. I am with Brad Pitt. Phew! It feels so good to finally be able to say it out loud. I have had to hold my tongue for the past seven months because he needed to work out the financial details with Jen. But I am so relieved that it is out in the open for all to know. I just want to sing from the rooftops "I love Brad and he loves me!!"

So I know you are wondering how a regular gal like me managed to nab such a famous hottie. No, it wasn't my cute butt or my long eyelashes (hi Grace!). It was mostly due to my wonderful sense of humor. You should see Brad laugh when I tell a joke. His face gets all red and he does this weird shaking thing. If I tell him a humorous anecdote, it is all over! He will just laugh and laugh for hours and stroke my head and tell me how smart and funny I am. Plus I like the fact that he can be silly with me. When we are driving around town and the Carpenters come on the radio, he will roll down the window, stick his head out and belt out "Bless the Beast and the Children" with me. He's crazy!

It's not all fun and games, though. He is very sweet, especially considering how famous and easily recognized he is. He could get anything that he wants for free. And although he argues, he will sometimes let me pick up the tab!

I don't want him to think I am taking advantage of him. So when the split was formally announced, he offered to put me up in a condo (how Pretty Woman, huh?). But I said no. I told him that I wanted a little independence and I did not want to be just another piece of arm candy on the red carpet. So I will move into my little one-bedroom in Long Beach and pay my own rent, thank you. Imagine! Me living in a fancy three-bedroom condo with Brad!

Anyway, I apologize for my absence, you can imagine how hectic it has been with all the calls from the press and the paparazzi following us wherever we go. But it should calm down soon. And then Brad and I can go on building our relationship. Oh, and don't worry about Jen. Her and I have talked and we are good. We are doing lunch at the Ivy next week.

So, see? All my drama from the past year is gone! Poof! And now I am friends with Jennifer Aniston and loved by Brad Pitt! Don't you wish you were me?

Sunday, January 02, 2005

Crappy New Year

I hope that you all had fun celebrating and toasting and kissing your loved ones. I had the worst two days of my life so far. I won't bore you with all the details, but in a nutshell, my heart has been torn out and stomped on and then run over by a semi-truck. I am the saddest girl in the world right now.

In other news, as a result of such a god-awful two days, I have put my butt in gear and have found two apartments. And I have two more to look at. One of them I know I can have. I just want to look inside the other two before I commit to the first. But I am lucky that I have a friend who works for a property management company who, even though he was terribly hung over, agreed to come with me and take my applications and put the word in for me. So if you all don't hear from me on a consistent basis, it is just because I am packing and getting ready to move.

Nothing like diving head-first into the resolutions, huh?