Smudge

Quit touching my computer with your greasy-ass finger, you dumb mother fucker!!! Idiot! GAH!

Sick

I have a fever...

...and the only cure is more cow bell!

Darth Mel

In honor of the third episode of Star Wars, the marketing gurus have created a Darth Vader helmet with a voice changer. Ahhhhhh…can my life be any better at this moment??? I doubt it.

They sell them at Target and I am drooling, drooling, drooling to get my hands on one! I was talking on the phone last night and my friend asked me what I was going to do with the helmet.

I told him that I was going to put the helmet on, get my light saber, pop the Star Wars DVD in and act out the role of Darth Vader in my living room. Can you picture it?

As the lights dim, a hush falls over the crowd. A voice comes over the loudspeaker:
“Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. Tonight the role of Darth Vader will be played by Mel Mega.”

Sweet! I can totally picture it. I am serious, though. I am going to find a couple of good scenes and memorize and perfect them in my Darth Vader helmet. Then, I can re-enact scenes at any given time. I will be the hit of every party I go to! In fact, people may eventually pay me to come to their parties and entertain them with my uncanny resemblance to the real dark lord!

So, if I don’t post for a while, it is only because I am in training. I must memorize every tick, every movement, every breath of my Lord Vader.

May the Force Be With You…

My Life is Complete

I cried this morning. Don't worry, they were tears of joy. Just as I am finally feeling really good about my life, good fortune decided to smile down on me and make it just a little bit better. That's right...Wienerschnitzel now has Mini Chili Dogs!!

As if the perfection of the Mini Corn Dog wasn't enough, they have to go and one up themselves. Think about it people. All the tasty goodness of a chili dog in one bite-sized morsel. No more chili-splatters on your shirt or your pants. Just savory, tasty chili...popped right in your mouth! Mmmmm...who would've thought that I could reach heaven one tasty bite at a time?

I am such a whore to the mini food.

Weekends Are for Amateurs

I don’t know what happened. Maybe Monday is the new Saturday? I think it is now. All I know is that a case of Coors Light and two bottles of Champagne can make for very strange happenings and conversation on a Monday night.

During some “innocent” television watching, my futon (which is currently acting as a couch due to my lack of furniture) collapsed and pretty much broke into three pieces. Sweet! Now there is nowhere to sit and watch my dinky TV! Boo.

I can’t get into too much detail about the conversations that took place, but I can say that at some point the following words and phrases were used: “cat giving birth”, “gymnasty-ics”, “sex bump”, “Ethiopian Shim Sham”, “Manscaping” and “baby nuts”.

Somehow 2 AM came really fast. I get up at 5:50. I am the most tired girl in the universe right now. But it was sooooo worth it! If Rock Stars can party during the week, then so can Mel Mega!! Everybody raise your glass to a little mid-week drinking (or early-week drinking as the case may be).

I Kill Me: The Deuce!

So my cousin sends me an email and adds the following PS:

E: "I've been noticing a lot of people with no necks lately. Like seriously, their shoulders touch thier ears. Whats up with that? your thoughts....."

MM: "Yeah, what the hell is up with the no-neck thing? What do you think would happen if those people ever had to be put into a guillotine? Would they lose half their torso? Probably, huh?"

My cousin had to leave the library for laughing out loud and snorting!! Hee!

Good times, y'all...Good times...

Highlights

Last week was crazy for me!! I was super busy. But I had small little things that made it a great week:

1. I walked into Trader Joes and they had my favorite flower, Ranunculus, in the best pink ever! I almost cried, I was so excited.

2. A text message in the middle of the day telling me to have a good day. And I was having a crappy day. But that made me smile.

3. The best bowl of oatmeal I have ever had. With brown sugar, raspberries, blackberries, strawberries, bananas and milk. Mmmmm...I thought I was in heaven.

4. Finding soft Gummy Cherries. And then proceeding to eat the entire bag in one sitting.

5. Having someone tell me I was beautiful. And having it said in the most sincere way possible. It's been a long time since I've heard that and I was a little blown away...

6. Being told that I need to go home and change my pants, because the ones I had on were pissy. How could anyone be a "Pissy Pants" after that comment?!?!

I am on my 6th straight day of a 10-day work week. I am tired and crabby. But I am getting my crap done so I can go home and not be nerved out. I hope everyone I come into contact with these next 4 days is patient and understanding. And I hope that on Friday I can go out and find enough Amstel to make up for the past 10 days. It's not the holidays, so I can dissolve myself in alcohol! SWEET!

P.S. Please go visit Grace and tell her to name her cute new bunny after me!

I Love Her!!

You are Kirsten Cohen! You are devoted to your
family and your work. But try not to dissolve
yourself in alcohol during the holidays. People
may talk and you may be embarrassed at your
next yogalates lesson!Despite all of this you
are still the best character in the show!


Which O.C. Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I Kill Me

So Weenie sends me pictures of her nephew at the Wiggles concert. Seeing as how I have no kids of my own, I innocently ask her who the fuck the Wiggles are.

W: The Wiggles are the newest fad for children entertainment. They are four men who sing and dance.

MM: Four men who sing and dance!??! Back in our day they were called The Village People!! HAHAHA!!!

Tee hee...it's a good thing I can keep myself entertained. Now, I have to go and eat more marshmallows...

WARNING!!!

Last night I had dinner with my mom and my cousin. As we are leaving the restaurant, my mom starts walking over to her car. She announces to me and my cousin "I need to check the back seat and make sure that there isn't a racist in my car."

Apparently, there is a growing problem of racists sneaking into the back seats of unlocked cars. So please, for your own safety, be sure to lock your doors. If you are a woman, park in well-lit areas and always get someone to walk you to your car. If you are a man...well...perhaps you should follow the same advice. There doesn't seem to be any information that would lead us to believe that these racists are targeting women only.

Let's all work to keep each other safe!

Oh Brother!!

Is anyone else totally grossed out by the idea of Ms. Britney and her husband Kevin Feder-skeezy having a baby? Seriously. The two people on this earth who really should not be procreating. Ugh! Like Feder-skeezy hasn't spread enough of his trashy genes around!?!? I mean no offense to Shar "Always the Victim" Jackson, but really his other kids look like mongoloids. Is that a word? Guess what, IT IS NOW!

Am I missing something in regards to Kevy. I mean, I just don't see the appeal. He's unemployed, living off his wife, has kids with a baby-mama, smokes like a fiend, and from what I can tell, tries to conserve water by not showering everyday. Oh swoon. He is seriously gross! I know that at this particular time in my life, I don't have much room to be picky...but still. Eww.

And what the hell was Brit thinking!?!? I mean, how in the world do you go from Justin Timberlake to Kevin? Justin Timberlake, people!! The ultimate boy bander. He obviously traded up. But it was like Brit just decided she had peaked at Justin and it was all downhill from there. Either that or Kevy must do some kinky ass shit in bed. Ewww...got a visual on that one!

Regardless, I am sure that we are all going to have Brit's baby shoved down our throats for at least the next six months. Oh I can hardly contain my excitement. I hope she gets as big as a house and has to resort to having her own show on VH1 called "Fat Singer". HA! Pass the KFC.

Breakin' The Law

I really should not be let out. Let me rephrase that. I really should not be let out to consume mass quantities of beer. Because apparently, if you offend me, I will not hesitate to smack you in the face as hard as I can.

You should've seen the look on that guy's face. Not to mention the look on his friend's faces and my friend's faces. He kind of whimpered and looked at me. I just told him "Wow! I've always wanted to do that!"

Ha! Sucka! It's a good thing he was drunk, though. I would've hated for him to get all mean and press charges and what not. Then I would've had to hit him with the other side of my hand!

So, if you see me out, be really nice to me. Cuz I won't hesitate to smack a bitch up!

We've Got Ourselves a Game

Ladies and Germs, it is official. With the passing of JP2, we have had our first official entry into this year's Death Pool (or Pool 'O Death as some like to refer to it).

Steve has chosen to mourn JP2's passing by making everyone drink blue Jell-o shots. Hmm...Steve, I don't know if that is what the Big Guy had in mind...but it sure sounds like a lot more fun!

Congrats Steve, your small victory is well deserved!

Also, sorry I haven't written. As some of you may have already figured out, I have been held captive by Grace and Steve. They are such wonderful hosts. Steve makes sure that everyone always has a drink and Grace squeezes out guacamole like nobody's business. Anyway, I am trying to talk them into officially adopting me. It will be fun! C'moooooon! I will even do the laundry! I think I will just visit them every weekend until they finally give in! And hopefully just in time for DAW (Daughter Appreciation Week)!!

Also, I would like to add to Larry's post about a couple of weeks ago that at one point in the evening, he wiped my nose. Yup...I had a little bit of yogurt on the end of my nose from my shot and before I knew what was happening...Larry just wiped it right off for me. What a guy!! Thanks, Sweetie! Also, for the record, I swear I did not drink as much beer as Grace and Larry would like to have you think. Can I help it if they started hours before me!??! I was just trying to catch up! Geesh! And I didn't get all crazy either. I had to work the next day!

Other than that, I am just getting used to living alone. It is starting to grow on me. My house has never been cleaner! And I have had plenty of time to think about what I want. Here is my big list:

1. Someone who will pick me up, take me to dinner and pay for it.
2. ummm...I guess that's it.

So much for my high standards...