Denise Richards: A Disgrace to Womankind

Let me start by saying: "WHERE THE HELL HAVE I BEEN?!?!" I seriously think someone knocked me in the head and stuck me in a closet for six days. I had no idea I had been gone so long. Yet, I felt empty. Like a part of me was missing. My Blog friends are part of my heart and when one of us leaves (including me), my heart is sad. Boo.

Alright, enought of that. Let's get down to the important stuff. Playboy. Has anyone seen the latest issue? Denise Richards is on the cover and in the centerfold. When she first came on the scene, I disliked her. She can't act her way out of a paper sack and she is just too "perfect". You can't tell me she didn't pay big bucks for her cute little button nose, her perfectly plump lips and her unnaturally round and perky breasts. Yeah, that's what I thought.

So, in Playboy she goes on to "talk" (and I use that term loosely because I am pretty sure that she just read verbatim what her publicist wrote out for her) about how amazing her body looks only 3 months after giving birth.

Whatever. Any woman would look that amazing if they had someone to come in and cook all their meals for them. If they had a trainer that came to their house and worked out with them 6 hours a day. If they had a nanny to actually take care of their baby so that they could work out with said trainer. And get a full night's sleep. A wet nurse to feed the baby so that their own boobs wouldn't get saggy and deflated (although, she probably can not produce any milk due to the overabundance of silicone in that area). A good graphic designer to airbrush out any of the horrible parts.

It's just not fair. Not only do celebrities get out of drunk driving, drug charges and murder, they actually get out of being a woman. HMPH!

Damn Cat!

I will post a regular post, but in the meantime, Cat has me doing all these crazy quizzes! I like this one, though:



Roger Rabbit's Cartoon Spin: a wild ride through
the back alleys of toontown! The only ride
with a PG sense of humour in the G rated world
of Disneyland, you are zany, wild, and a little
bit of a loose screw. Energetic and colorful,
you go at full speed, even though your taxi-car
vehicles actually have four flat tires!
Despite your older humor, you are a kid at
heart and kids most relate to your cartoony
world and like you the best. You've been know
to make the adults a little queasy and a litte
bit dizzy. You leave your visitors dazed, a
little confused, but more often, extremely
amused. You take us to the places we'd never
see in a ride featuring the straight-laced
Mickey, but somehow you're still all Disney.


What Disneyland attraction are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Mel Mega: Good Samaritan

Asking me to watch the round of shots that you just ordered for your friends, is like asking a dog to watch your hamburger. If you want all the shots to be there when you get back, then don't leave them in front of me.

So, my friend and I are sitting at a double-sided bar. The girl on the other side orders a round of shots for her friends. They had all wandered outside to smoke, so she needed to round them up to take their shots. She asks my friend and I to "watch" her drinks for her. Hee hee hee...we'd be happy to!

The minute the girl walked away, my friend and I looked at each other and each grabbed a shot. We then put the empty glasses right back where they were.

The girl comes back and starts handing out the shots. She notices the empty glasses and looks at us. Of course we are almost falling off our barstools from laughing so hard! Her boyfriend looks at her and says "Where are our shots?" She looks at us and says "Those fucking bitches drank our shots!"

This sends us into even more hysterical giggles! One of her friends looks at us and then proceeds to order another round of shots, including one for each of us.

See? So it pays to be nice to people. And it also pays to be sneaky and steal people's shots.

I'm Not Psycho

But I think I could be soon! I was sitting here wondering why I have all this pent up emotion, all this anxiety and anger. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks: no hockey.

FUCKIN' NHL!! Fuckin' players! Fuckin' teams! Fuckin' owners!! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK!!!!!!

If I go crazy and go on some sort of psychotic binge, I am so blaming it all on the god damned CBA!! And I am close people, very close. I need to see a good game, a good fight, a good goal. I am so desperate at this point that I would even go see the Mighty Sucks (Ooops, I mean Ducks) play!

I need to eat crappy hot dogs, drink massive amounts of beer and cuss out some players! I need to whoop and holler and high-five random strangers. I need to yell "Frasier Sucks!" at the top of my lungs. I need to stand for three periods straight and throw the remote at the TV at a bad call. I need to wear my lucky shirt for three weeks straight without washing it.

I need to exert my energy on being a fan.

Excuse me while I go cry myself to sleep on my "giant pilla".

FINALLY!

My reunion was in September and my lazy ass finally got the first part of the pictures in. Geesh! I lag! Anyway, I posted some for you all to see (by the way, these are the pre-party pics in my room and we were feeling no pain!). Here's a little background:

Al "Alkyson" (the blonde with big boobs): We have been friends since Sixth grade. She stole my boyfriend. We were at a pool party and she could do the "Cabbage Patch" really well. I couldn't. Naturally I was dumped! How could I blame Steve? Why date a flat brunette who can't do the "CP" when you can date a big boobed blonde who can!?? I would've dumped myself to date her, too! Hee! Anyway, Al is awesome. Her and I are like the "girl with the curl" when we are together: when we are good, we are very good and when we are bad, we are horrid. We get in sooooo much trouble together (actually, when Weenie is involved, it is even worse). Al has recently moved to a different area. Of course I am sad, but I don't worry. I could go for several weeks without talking to her, but the minute we are together or on the phone it is just like old times. Oh! And she is married to one of the funniest guys I have ever known. Her husband, Jeff, once farted at a party and made people leave! Needless to say, I was in the fetal position on the floor when that happened. Anyway, I love Al. She rocks and I know we will always be friends.

Christine "Weenie" (the cute Korean with the tiny waist): Her and I have been friends since Seventh grade. She is so much more than a best friend. She is a sister. Her and I have a weird, crazy connection. We will go shopping on our own and end up with the same clothes. And we always show up places wearing the same outfit. Once, we were going to Vegas. I had on these cute black and whited checkered capris with a black tank top. We are on the way to the airport and running totally late. We swing by Weenie's house to pick her up and start honking. She comes running out and she is wearing the exact same outfit. Exact. Unfortunately we were so late that there was no time for either of us to change...that was a teensy bit embarassing! Anyway, we can finish each other's sentences and often say the same thing at the same time. I love how she can pig out with me, watch silly girly movies with me and be cranky with me. When we are cranky, we don't take it personally. I can tell her exactly how I feel and she can do the same. We have had our share of drama, but when it comes down to it, we still love each other. And when we are old and widowed, we are going to live in Vegas, drinking, smoking and gambling until we die. How perfect is that!??!

Enjoy the pics!

BFF!! (I am so cheesy) 

Me with "Alkyson"! 

Awww...Weenie and I!  

Alyse, Mel and Weenie 

Allyson, Mel and Alyse 

Xmas Comes Early to the LBC...

...and it comes in the form of Grace and Steve and Mike and Nina.

So it's a Sunday night (which for Mel is more like a Saturday night) and I am eating chinese food, watching TV and decide to check my email and see if anyone has posted anything new.

Hmmm...there's an email from Grace. Very cool. HOLY FUCK! Nina and Mike are here and they are going to the LBC, would I like to meet them for a drink? WOULD I!?!? WOULD I!?!? Does Paris Hilton take it in the pooper? Did Jennifer Garner used to be a man? Hell Mother-Fuckin' YEAH! Hee!

Before I can even think, I am trying to reach Grace on her cell. My mind is racing: will they like me? Will I irritate them? Are they just inviting me to laugh at me and criticize my writing? Will I show up only to sit alone and have them giggle at me from a hidden booth? GAH! Too much pressure!!

Can I just say that everyone is about 10,000 times more fun in person! Really! It was a little awkward at first because obviously I "know" these people, but I don't know them. It is a very strange concept. I know intimate details of these people's lives. I have come to know their personalities and I like them, I really like them. But until now, they have just been names and pictures on the computer. You mean there are actual people out there? Strange.

The awkwardness lasted about 2.5 seconds! I was greeted with hugs and lots of silliness. It was awesome! Everyone was so nice and so fun and I felt like we had all been friends for a long time. The cool thing was, since we all know so much about each other, there were no strange lulls in the conversation. It was just crazy! My mind is still reeling.

Anyway, this is the first time that I have actually met my online friends in person. And I thought it rocked. Grace, Steve, Mike and Nina are such cool people. At my age, it is so rare to make new friendships. People are just so set in their ways and don't branch out much. It is so nice to meet smart, funny people that that you actually enjoy.

Blogger: Bringing People Together. Who knew?

I'm so nervous! Mel wants to go to Prom! 

I Used To Be A Tool

Kinda. Hee. Actually, CL was talking about Billie Joe and she made me remember something kinda funny.

I used to be a little punk-rock girl. I spent every weekend at punk shows with my friends. I saw everyone back then. It was before alot of bands that are mainstream now, were not so much. It was great! I could see Green Day, Bad Religion and at least one or two other groups for about $20. Anyway, I loved Green Day (this was even before Dookie came out...back in the good 'ole days) and I went to every show that I could.

Before a show one day, I found myself in Virgin Records browsing the CD's. When who should be standing in the same aisle as me but none other than Billie Joe. Holy crap! And he was walking towards me.

So my little teenage self was freaking out. I tried to play it cool and seem like I had no idea who he was. He starts looking at CD's right next to me. Then, he actually asked my opinion on something! And I helped him find what he was looking for (come to think of it, maybe he thought I worked there...let's choose not to think that).

I was feeling pretty good about myself, and before I knew what I was saying, I burst out with "Billie Joe, will you go to the prom with me?"

Hee. He gave me this really weird look and he said he didn't think his girlfriend would approve and walked away.

Way to go, Mel. Way to play it cool. Remind him that you are a dumb teenager that doesn't have a date for prom.

So yes, I used to be a tool. And I asked Billie Joe Armstrong to go to the prom with me. Let the ridicule begin.

Is it just me...

...or does Fallujah sound like a dirty word? I always feel like I should be whispering it. Covering children's ears when they say it on the news. Not saying it at all in front of my grandmother. Fallujah.

Fasten Your Seatbelts

Okay, back to my crazy, nonsensical posts. I observed a couple of interesting things since last night...

First off, one of my neighbors drove home COMPLETELY PLASTERED last night! How do I know? Well, there was a HUGE space in front of my house (we have mostly street parking) and he proceeded to try and parallel park (when he could've just pulled in). It took him about 15 mintues to "grind" it into reverse. He burned rubber, jerked the wheel too hard and proceeded to jump the curb. He then threw it into drive and gassed it and drove straight into the Corolla in front of him. Ouch.

His license plate got hooked beneath the Corolla's plate. His right rear tire was still stuck on the curb. He tried to reverse. His tires just spun. He tried to move forward and crunched the Corolla even more (also, my car was behind the Corolla and I was soooo afraid tht he was going to push it into my car!). This went on for a good 15 minutes!! The whole time he has this "gangsta" rap blaring at top volume (out of his two-door Escort - hee).

He finally gave up and decided to leave his car where it was. But not before blasting some reggae for the entire neighborhood to enjoy. After the free concert, he decided to head inside. But not before getting out of his car and rummaging around for 5 minutes, slamming the door closed, and dropping a bunch of crap in the middle of the street. He couldn't remember what building he was in...so he walked up and down the street for a little while, finally tripping on the curb before heading off to his apartment.

Not to be a bitch, but for once I was so glad that I didn't park in front of my building.

On my way to work this morning, there was a car driving next to me. Some one started to pull out in front of him and he swerved to the left a little. As he did, the apple in his hand flew out the open window across three lanes of traffic and bounced away. Hee hee...I almost crashed I was laughing so hard!! Run, little apple, run!

I Need a George

Sometimes I feel like Lennie (from Of Mice and Men for my illiterate readers). You know how he loved the little animals so much that he would just squeeze them to death? I feel like that when I get a new friend (or "friend"). I get so excited, I just want to be with them all the time. I want to squeeze them and not let them go. I'm afraid that I might scare them off. I can't help but be clingy!! I think I have abandonment issues.

I wonder why that is? I guess have issues with just not feeling "good enough" for people. I feel that if I am not constantly pleasing or paying attention, they will leave for someone better. I suppose it could be because pretty much every guy I have ever dated has cheated on me. And while I have had the same close friends for years, I am afraid that they are going to get sick of me, or they only hang out with me because they've known me for so long and they just can't cut the ties.

I don't mean to be so depressing, I just feel scared that people don't like me enough to stick around.

That Bitch Took My Money and She Went to Chicago!

My friend Renee rules. She is the only one that I can bribe with cigarettes, Diet Coke and the Violent Femmes in exchange for riding bitch on the great apartment hunt. She doesn't freak out when I slam on the brakes and swerve to the right or make a sudden u-turn because I see that little red sign. Plus, she has eyes like a hawk (have I mentioned how irritating it is that people write teeny tiny on signs?). Please note the following conversation that took place today:

Renee: "Look! There's one!"

Mel slams on her brakes, throws the car into reverse and flies backwards

Mel: "What does it say? Why can't anyone in Long Beach find a Sharpie that's not running out of ink?"

R: "Okay, let's see...it either says large studio...or large salad..."

Mel chokes on her Diet Coke while trying not to spit it out.

M: "Hmmm...I wonder how big the chicken is in the salad?"

R: "Yes hello, I'm calling about the large salad for rent on 1st and Orange. Yeah, how big is the chicken, uh...I mean kitchen???"

M: "What's that you say, the bedroom is small, but there is plenty of room for a large crouton in the living room?"

R: "Excellent."

M: "Excellent."

Hee. Renee makes me giggle!

ALL WOMAN, BABY!

Despite rampant Internet rumors (*glaring at Ian and Cat*) I have not been away having a sex change and running away with CL. Although, if she asked, I would have to go!

My new promotion is kicking my ass! And I don't have access to a computer at work for another two weeks. I promise I will return soon to our regular scheduled program.

I am going to visit everyone and catch up and then I will post again. Just wanted you all to know I am still alive.

Random Mid-Week Thoughts

I must have done something very good today. Why? Because after my regular episode of Jeopardy (where Ken Jennings cleaned up - AGAIN), there was a special bonus episode! I did a happy "Extra Episode of Jeopardy" dance around my living room and didn't once hit my knee on the coffee table. Good day, indeed!

Ummm...I am totally freaked out right now. After my back-to-back Jeopardy high, I was looking forward to Lost. Until I hit the "info" button on my remote and discovered that the episode is titled The Moth. I shit you not. And when I came home tonight, guess what was waiting on my door for me? That's right. A moth. Apparently one of them reads my Blog and is spreading the word of my terror.

How come chinese food tastes so much better when eaten straight from the carton? Maybe because I know I have no dishes to clean! Yay!

If you ever plan an event at a hotel and you are part of a committee...can you please make sure that you meet before hand and discuss the details first? *grinds teeth and rolls eyes after spending two hours with a committe*

I really want an accent. A cool one. I guess I could just move somewhere else, but then I would only have a dumb American accent. Do you think anyone around me would notice if I just start casually using an accent? Like, every couple of words or sentences, just talk with an accent. Hmm...Ian, can you teach me to talk with an Irish accent? Or do you talk with an Australian one? Cat, do you call people "hoser" and say "aboot"? Or talk with a French Canadian accent?

Do you guys tell your co-workers when they have stuff in their teeth? Or a boogie in their nose? Would you tell your boss? A complete stranger?

And last but not least, perhaps the most important question of them all. Why is it soooo friggin cold in here?!?!

Wanted!

Last night I was kicking back drooling over Josh Duhmel on Las Vegas and I noticed the craziest thing. A character on the show had a guy with him that was like his personal "commentator". The guy informed everyone of the reasons for the Big Man's actions and the thoughts around it. He set the scene for everything the guy did.

HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT!?!!

So, I am going to hire someone to do that for me. I need someone who can be "on call" and who presents themself in a professional, yet hip and casual manner. No stuffies need apply, you never know what I may ask you to do. You have to able to take my thoughts and actions and present them in a way that will make people think I am brilliant, witty, kind and all-around super. A degree is preferred, but not necessary with the proper work history.

I may require you, at times, to perform the odd, yet necessary, task. This may include, but is not limited to: asking people in the theater to please refrain from talking, clarifying my order at the drive thru window, telling the driver that cut in front of me to fuck off, telling that guy at the bar that won't leave me alone that really, I am NOT interested in him, etc.

If you feel that you would be a good fit for the position, please submit your resume with salary history. I can't pay a high salary, but I will give you some holidays off and promise that you will have fun on the job. This spot will go fast, so get those resumes in!

Mel Mega is an Equal Opportunity Employer

Mottephobia

Do you know what that is? I do. And I have it.

Not only am I arachnophobic, but I am mottephobic as well. It means I am deathly afraid of spiders. And moths. I know you're thinking to yourself "Moths? Really? But they don't do anything to you."

And that's where you would be wrong. They do alot to me. They gather in the hallway outside my door. Big, huge, black moths. Silently, they wait, very still, for me to leave. As soon as I close the door and start walking down the stairs, they come in for the kill. They fly at me, fluttering their dirty little wings around my head and face. And they don't go away! They just continue to come back and fly in my face!

I hate them! Once, I was leaving my house and a gigantor moth flew out at me. I had an arm full of stuff. I flung my free arm around trying to get the moth to go away. I lost my balance and fell down the stairs. Like a cartoon. Head over feet. I thought I broke all my ribs. As I lay on the ground trying to wiggle my toes, the moth flew out of the hallway, out into the lovely day.

When I was in Costa Rica, I came wing-to-head with the mother of all moths. We were on the Osa Peninsula at a fancy-shmancy resort called Lapa Rios. After a day in the sun and several days of cold showers, I was ready for a hot shower and a nap before dinner. Everyone was still at the pool, so I decided to venture off to my bungalow. Now, my bungalow was the furthest one away. It was seriously a good mile hike through the rain forest. And it was starting to get dark. But I felt okay going alone. I started my long walk when all of a sudden I felt something buzz by my head. Hmmm....maybe if I don't look, there will be nothing there.

"Wait, what was that that just flew by? Was it a bat? Yeah, must be a bat. It won't bother me."

Hmmm...unless it wasn't a bat at all...it was a moth the SIZE of a bat. And there was a buttload of them! All flying around, being gigantic and fluttery around my head!! GOOD GOD! I have never run so fast in my entire life. I booked it back up the "trail" (which was actually stairs) and ran full speed back to the pool. The only way that I could get to and from the bungalow was by holding a towel over my head and being guided by someone else. I couldn't even run because it was too far and too many stairs.

So, after the trauma of the super-sized moths, I thought for sure that I would be able to handle the run-of-the-mill Long Beach moth. HMPH! Not so much. In fact, I am pretty convinced that they can smell my terror and fear and choose to taunt me. Of course, it doesn't help that the neighbors REFUSE to turn off the hall light when they come and go! Case in point, tonight I had to sneak down the back stairs and run through the backyard to avoid an ungodly amount of moths in the hallway. And when I came back, I had to do the same thing. The word is out. Moths of the world unite...and get Mel Mega.

As if this post was not long enough, I just need to say a little something about my arachnophobia. As you know, I am looking for an apartment. I have never lived by myself before and I am a little scared. Of spiders. In my apartment. When I am alone. Fuck.